Chinchillas, Males, and Numbers that Haunt Me
by Ketchupdtoytle
Summary: My life is insane. My family doesnt understand me,my pet chinchilla tends to eat everything that crosses his path,and I may or may not be in love with my sworn enemy. At least I have my trusty diary 2 be there, no matter what happens.AngusThongsFFSnogStyl
1. Chapter 1

_DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Harry Potter series or the writing style from Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging series. If I did, I wouldn't be wasting time writing Fan-Fiction for myself, I'd be off making money._

* * *

**Thursday, July 14**

_**5:23 AM**_

I wish that I'd listened to my friends and I hadn't watched that bloody awful Muggle film about the number 23. Ever since I suffered through said movie, that number seems to follow me everywhere. See—5:_**23**_. _And,_ 5 is 2+3. Agh.

It's positively maddening.

* * *

_**6:42 AM**_

Stiiill awake. I can't seem to sleep right now. This incessant beeping is driving me absolutely bonkers.

* * *

_**6:50 AM**_

Damn it. I think that I'm going insane. After all of these years living with my older brothers, I've finally gone loopy. The beeping has steadily grown louder and I've yet to find its source.

* * *

_**7:23 AM**_

Bloody hell.

Why couldn't it have been 7:24 or 7:22? Why did it have to be 7:_**23**_? Agg. I need to get to sleep sometime soon or else I'll be unable to function all day today. If that happens, Mum just might pronounce me sick and dote on me all week long.

The last time she did that, I swear I gained about 5 pounds.

* * *

_**7:30 AM**_

I just measured my hips and breasts.

Where the hell did they come from? Oh bloody hell, I'm turning into my Mum… only it's ten times worse because I'm only 16 AND I'm already nutters. She didn't go nutters until she'd raised 7 kids. She _did _have huge breasts and hips when she was my age, though. Curse you, genetics.

* * *

_**7:54 AM**_

I just drank a pepper-up potion even though I'm not sick. I hope the side effects won't be too drastic (it's not as if I actually pay attention in Potions class). I just want to be able to stay awake so that my Mum can't force 5 more pounds onto me.

* * *

_**7:55 AM**_

WHERE IS THAT BEEPING COMING FROM?

* * *

_**9:39 AM**_

I sat on the couch and got stuck to it. Turns out that the beeping was an invention of Fred and George (my older twin brothers)'s that went off while I was trying to read. Gits. Not only did they keep me awake all night long, but they also glued my bum to the ruddy couch. I got up eventually… but that was only after I'd threatened to hex off their unmentionables.

I wish that I had a sister. Life would be grand.

* * *

_**9:40 AM**_

Just pictured my brother Ron as a girl.

I change my mind.

Those with the ability of sight should be thankful I have brothers instead of sisters.

Good grief.

* * *

_**12:34 PM**_

Hmmm...

I wonder what it's like to be blind...

* * *

_**12:50 PM**_

... just ran around the house, trying to see what it would be like if I were blind. I may've broken a few things, but I don't think that my Mum should've grounded me like she did. I was just having fun.

She insists that I was being immature and unladylike. I told her not to insult the disabled.

* * *

_**1:24 PM**_

Dad is so weird. He just pulled me into the kitchen, insisting I "step into his office". He wouldn't even start talking until I mimed shutting an invisible door behind me.

He then sat me down and absolutely insisted I consider wearing a chastity belt for school in the fall. His argument was: "They're extremely fashionable"

At the eyebrow raise, he changed his story.

"I popped your Mum's cherry in her 6th year… and you look too much like her for me to want to take my chances."

Needless to say, I'm scarred for life.

* * *

_**2:12 PM**_

Holy randomness!

Mum 'bought' me a Chinchilla! She said that it looks enough like a rat for me to pass it off as one while I'm at school. She apparently got it from this man who looked glad to be rid of it. I dunno why. It's awfully adorable and also has the bonus of making Ron scream like a little girl whenever I 'accidentally' leave it sitting beside him.

I don't think that he ever got over the whole 'Scabbers-fiasco'…

* * *

_**2:30 PM**_

There's that bloody number again. Even Humphrey (my chinchilla) doesn't like the number. He pooped on my desk when the big numbers on my clock read **2:30. **I don't care what my brother Percy says. Humphrey is an intelligent creature.

* * *

_**2:35 PM**_

There's never anything to _do _in this bloody house.

I think I'll take a nap.

Life motto- when all else fails, take a nap.

* * *

_**5:45**** PM**_

I just woke up in a giant pool of drool that smelled like urine. Or maybe I had been sleeping in Humphrey-pee. Sod it all.

* * *

_**6:56 PM**_

Dinner in my house is an... odd experience. Mum and I sit back as the herd of males in my family attacks the table as if they'd been stranded in the desert for three months. I had been eagerly awaiting the day in which I'd finally get the table to just my Mum, Dad, me, and maybe Ron… but that day never came. Although Fred, George, Percy, Bill, and Charlie had long since moved out and started their lives elsewhere, they never stopped coming to dinner at The Burrow (That's what we call our humble abode). I threw the world's most convincing tantrum when I learned that Weasley dinnertime would always be the same. My family just ignored my talented acting and called me childish and selfish. Hmph. When I get a Muggle Grammy or whatever for my skills, I'll have remember to add some gloating into my acceptance speech.

* * *

_**8:56 PM**_

Oh dear Lord. 8:56. 8 minus 6 is 2 and 8 minus 5 is 3. TWENTY-bloody-THREE. I swear that this number will be the death of me.

* * *

_**9:32 PM**_

Ron just tried to have a serious talk with me for the second time in my whole life. It was him trying to convince me to listen to Dad and get the chastity belt.

Sod it all. My family is so paranoid.

* * *

_**10:34 PM**_

I'm lying in bed with a Chinchilla curled up on my pillow. I can't use my pillow now because Humphrey has claimed it as his own. My neck will probably hurt by tomorrow morning; when I don't sleep on a pillow, I always sleep in a contorted position that leaves me with a bloody crick in my neck. I'm so strange.

* * *

_**11:38 PM**_

I had a dream that I was sleeping in my bed. I woke up because I was so bored and then thought that I saw Humphrey tap dancing with my stuffed Quaffle. I'm never taking pepper-up potion again, no matter how sick or tired that I am.

* * *

_**11:57 PM**_

My Dad walked into my room with a chastity belt in his hands. When he saw that I was awake, he muttered '_damn it'_ and walked back out. I don't think that I'm going to be able to sleep until I have a serious talk with him and Mum together.

* * *

**Friday, July 15**

_**1:23 AM**_

Damn that number and its persistence. It just can't leave me alone.

* * *

_**1:25 AM**_

Humphrey ate half of my pillow. I'm kind of wondering if he can digest all of that.

* * *

_**2:35 AM**_

He could. And it's all over the other half of my pillow. Humphrey needs to be potty trained.

* * *

_**7:34 AM**_

Mum freaked out about the soiled half-pillow that she found in the rubbish bin. Now she's insisting that we get Humphrey a cage. I blatantly refused this. Humphrey wouldn't like being stuck in a cage. I told her that fat, hairy things didn't belong in cages and asked her how she would feel if I stuck _her _in a giant cage. I'm grounded again. Maybe I shouldn't have used that example in the same sentence with my chinchilla fact.

* * *

_**8:35 AM**_

I want to owl my friends Collin and Luna, but I'm grounded. That means no owl-usage or fun of any kind until my Mum pulls her head out of her giant arse and un-grounds me. For now, I've settled on putting on a puppet show for Humphrey.

_**8:40 AM**_

Humphrey's got this really weird gleam in his eye...

The way he's eyeing the puppets I'm making is kind of disconcerting.

* * *

_**11:43 AM**_

My parents just don't understand me at all. They yelled at me for throwing flower petals all over the house and chanting loudly as I did so. They then yelled at me for digging up the yard. It was necessary, though. Humphrey massacred the entire cast of my puppet show and I had to give them a proper funeral. Mum and Dad just wouldn't listen to my logic.

* * *

_**2:31 PM**_

I read a Muggle book that my Dad found about Chinchilla care and what to feed it. Apparently, my Chinchilla isn't normal. They supposedly have a very specific diet… yadda yadda yadda. Humphrey must be magical or something.

* * *

_**3:02 PM**_

Humphrey farted out purple gas. I think that he's most definitely a magical creature.

* * *

_**11:34 PM**_

My life is over.

If my parents loved me at all, they would ship me off to some third-world country, if only to spare me the embarrassment of continuing to live here.

For dinner, my Dad had to invite over a colleague of his from the Ministry of Magic (because he's a pushover), so we had to get all gussied up.

Mum forced me to wear this hideous pink thing that she called a dress and told me to act like a normal person for at least one night. For once, I actually decided to play nice and listen to her. Stupid mistake.

After helping prepare the meal, I walked out to the dinner table and almost choked on my own tongue. My father's colleague's son apparently couldn't have survived the night without bringing his friend with him—a friend who just so happened to be the sexiest guy that I'd ever laid eyes on. Ever.

I think I heard bird's singing a hallelujah chorus or however that saying goes. (How would birds sing that?)

Forgetting that I was wearing a hideous pink monstrosity for a dress and that I hadn't fixed myself up at all in an act of defiance towards my Mum, I pranced over to the table and smiled at the yummy boy. He just raised a perfect, blond eyebrow and smirked at me. _Smirked. _Honestly. Who does that?

Anyways, the gift-from-above stared at me long enough to make me nervous, so I blurted out the first thing that came to mind (which is never safe). What I said just so happened to be: "My Chinchilla farts purple!"

Realizing what I had said, I stood up to run away like the chicken that I am. What I didn't realize was that the lace holding up the top of my dress had gotten caught on a loose nail in the table. When I stood up, the whole front of my dress ripped off and everyone at the table got an eyeful of my neon green bra.

I ran upstairs and dove into my room like a Ninja, vowing to never talk to another person for as long as I live.

* * *

_**11:40 PM**_

Well, that's a bit rash...

I can't _not_ talk to people. My mouth has a mind of its own… it would probably try to murder me if I ever ceased its usage. I'll just have to ask my Dad never to invite that colleague and his family over ever again.

I can't wait until this incident becomes distant enough to laugh at one day with family members.

Sod it all.

My life is insane.

* * *

_[Humphrey farted out a special review button for you. Don't insult him. Use it. n_n]_

__-Ketchupdtoytle-__


	2. Chapter 2

_I don't own anything. _

_-This chapter is dedicated to the anonymous reviewer: 'PanicKicksMore'. You really made my day for giving me my first ever review! Thanks!_

* * *

_**Saturday, July 16**_

_**2:44 AM**_

Dad AND Ron just walked into my room with the chastity belt. Upon seeing that I was awake, they both cursed and walked away. I swear that I heard Ron muttering something about slipping a strong sleeping draught into my Pumpkin Juice.

NTS: watch what you drink.

* * *

_**3:57 AM**_

I just had some wonky dream about that Muggle Jay Leno man… except he was Asian and was wearing lip gloss. I need to stop eating so many sweets before bed. It's messing with my brain…

* * *

_**8:24 AM**_

Mum told me that since I'm going to be a 6th year this fall, I need to start taking better care of myself. She taught me some hair-straightening charms to 'tame my wild curls' and make-up charms to 'bring out my natural beauty'. She then gave me this potion that reduces 'those unsightly bags under my pretty little eyes'. Is this her way of calling me unattractive?

* * *

_**8:10 PM**_

I can't go a single day of my life without royally botching things up.

In order to prevent myself from being... _myself,_ I should be committed to Saint Mungos and forced to wear one of those old-fashioned Straight Jackets.

Or not... seeing as I'll never be able to step foot in there again without dying of embarrassment...

You see, I thought that it would be a good idea to rub the eye-bag reducing potion over my breasts to see if it would reduce the size of those. Apparently, though, I had an allergic reaction to the potion and they swelled up even larger than before.

I had to spend my entire day informing healers of my dilemma, and then had to have quite a few attractive _male _healers attempt to fix the swelling.

I'm still skeptical that they completely fixed the swelling. They still seem to be unreasonably large, in my opinion. Whether it was the healers' faults or just genetics, I'm going to blame my Mum for it.

* * *

_**11:28 PM **_

Ron won't stop bothering me about that chastity belt. He keeps trying to promote the belt to me by using cheesy presentations and horrific examples of diseases and pregnancies. I told him that if he didn't stop bothering me, I'd go mount Snape right in front of him. That shut him up.

* * *

_**11:36 PM**_

Hahahahahahahahaha. Mount Snape. It sounds like a dangerous National Monument of some sort.

* * *

_**11:37 PM**_

Bloody hell, I _have_ gone insane.

* * *

_**Sunday, July 17**_

_**4:57 AM**_

Why do I keep waking up at such odd hours of the morning?

* * *

_**5:00 AM**_

Ah. The smell of pungent Humphrey-pee is what awoke me. He soiled yet another pillow of mine. I'm going to have to start stealing Ron's pillows for him to use.

* * *

_**5:01 AM**_

My bloody neck is killing me due to lack of pillow. Having a pet is hard work.

* * *

_**5:36 AM**_

Mum has labeled Humphrey as her own personal demon. I think that she's just exaggerating. She raised Fred and George. Anything after that must be like heaven for her.

* * *

_**6:43 AM**_

Hmph.

I the surprise of my 16-year-long life today.

Bill is engaged. _Engaged. _William Weasley, little Mr. Bad Boy/Player has willingly tied himself down to _one_, count 'em, _one_ woman. ONE.

And not just ANY random woman. He just _had _to tie himself down to Fleur Delacour. Not only is her accent exceedingly annoying, but she's also perfect in every way.

She makes me feel rather manly in the looks and behavior departments.

Damn her.

* * *

_**7:45 AM**_

Hallelujah?

I've been officially un-grounded. Yet, there was a price for this good fortune (this family is so manipulative).

I had to agree to help Fleur and Mum with the wedding preparations.

Ugh. Good grief.

Merlin, just allow Voldemort to swoop into my house and decapitate me _right now. _It would save me from so much misery.

* * *

_**8:34 PM**_

Just spent the last hour or so hiding under my bed. I was afraid that Voldemort would really show up and take my head off.

Why am I so paranoid?

* * *

_**9:17 PM**_

Oh bugger.

Dad has invited that colleague from work over again for dinner tomorrow night. Apparently, he wants to redeem himself and his family in that colleague's family's eyes.

He told me that he wants everyone to know that his family really is normal and loving, which is code for: "It's time to lie to the world." It's also his way of telling me to behave.

He isn't as direct as Mum is in that department. She just tells me to stop acting like a nutter and to shape up my life or I'll end up living like some homeless squib. I find that to be very discriminative.

* * *

_**10:00 PM**_

I asked my Mum to use the straightening charm on my hair.

Big mistake.

Straight hair makes my head look abnormally long and my ears look ten times larger. I think that I'll just stick with my curly hair from now on. It's just more… me.

And it also doesn't make me look like a house elf.

* * *

_**11:34 PM**_

Humphrey is sleeping on my desk. He would look so innocent and adorable if it weren't for the decapitated stuffed animals littering the desk space behind him.

* * *

_**11:40 PM**_

Bloody hell, what on Earth am I going to wear tomorrow? I will not be caught in that hideous dress or any other kind of outfit like it ever again. Mark my words.

* * *

_**Monday, July 18**_

_**8:34 AM**_

Stupid cousin. Stupid mornings. Stupid scones.

Mum woke me up at 6 in the bloody morning to tag along with her to breakfast.

_6 in the morning. _

That's not even a real time of day, in my opinion. 6 AM shouldn't exist. It should be illegal to be out and about before 8 AM.

Anyways... Fleur, and 'a super duper special surprise guest' were apparently going to tag along with us. Mum's words, not mine.

When I finally got to the restaurant, the 'surprise guest' was none other than my fatty of a cousin who was torturing one of the café seats with her rather prominent arse. Well, even though I was sitting right next to my whale of a cousin, I still felt like a pig the whole time. While Mum, Bertha (my cousin), and Fleur nibbled on a couple of lightly buttered pieces of toast, I scarfed down an entire plate of chocolate scones. Mum kept trying to do that 'telling-me-to-stop-embarrassing-her' thing with her eyes, but I pretended not to notice.

All throughout breakfast, though, my rather pudgy cousin kept glaring at me like I'd just eaten her midnight snack right in front of her. What was her deal? If she wanted the scones, she should've taken them when she had the chance.

She didn't have to narrow those bulgy fish eyes of hers at me.

Bloody hell.

* * *

_**1:23 PM**_

There's that number again. It just can't leave me alone!

... Anyways, I finally found out what was wrong with Bertha at breakfast. After lunch, she pulled me aside and demanded to know if I was Bulimic. When I just stared at her questioningly, she explained that it was something that Muggles did all of the time; they would eat a bunch of food and then force themselves to throw it all up or poop it all out just to stay skinny. Of course, she used the word 'doodie' instead of 'poop', which caused me to laugh like a maniac; after I finally caught my breath, I loudly denied being Bulimic or whatever.

She then threw a fit and then stomped away, muttering about how unfair life was.

When I asked my Mum why she acted that way, Mum replied with something that surprised the hell out of me. She told me that I was a very attractive young woman with a gorgeous body that would make any other female jealous.

I asked her if she needed to get her aging eyes checked.

* * *

_**2:34 PM**_

Oh happy day! I no longer feel socially-deprived.

I got a letter from Luna that smelled of wildflowers today. This was because there was a wildflower glued to the paper. Anyways, it made me so happy that I skipped around the house with it a few times before I actually read it. Apparently, Luna has been on vacation with her dad in Spain, searching for some creature called a 'Herphig' that supposedly gives one everlasting good breath.

I love having a friend as loony as Luna. It makes me feel about ten times more normal.

* * *

_**4:56 PM **_

The dinner guests will be over in about an hour and I can't seem to stop fidgeting. Mum tried to force me into yet another hideous dress, but I refused. Instead, I was wearing my favorite denim jeans and a dark v-necked sweater vest. I had also used Mum's make-up potions to give my eyes a sexy smoky look. After adding mousse to my curls to give them not-frizzy volume, I pulled my knee-high black boots on and flounced down the staircase. Mum had called me a harpy when she saw my outfit; I had paid no mind to her childish comment. I wanted to look better than I did the last time this family saw me. Last time I checked the mirror, I looked pretty darn good, which is hard for me to admit to myself.

She told me that she could 'practically see my entire bosom' and that 'they were going to think that I was a Muggle street-walker'. I told her that the last time that they were here, they got to see more of my 'bosom' than I was showing now. That definitely shut her right up.

* * *

_**9:16 PM**_

Dinner was an… interesting event with stimulating conversation and—oh sod it all.

It was the worst dinner that I'd ever been forced to attend.

My favorite dish was burnt because my _elderly_ parents decided to be gross and snog in the kitchen like two hormonal teenagers. Needless to say, Mum wasn't paying attention and didn't cook the food correctly.

_Then_, all throughout the turkey-less meal, I had to suffer through bad puns, horrible jokes, and thoroughly boring work-related stories that were meant to be 'hilarious'. When Mr. Obvious Comb-over first sat down, the first words out of his mouth had me biting into a bread roll to suppress my groan of utter despair.

Honestly, who starts off a conversation with, "Oh, this one's a doozy!"? Complete poofs, that's who.

To make matters worse, my family actually politely laughed at whatever he said. Well, I _refused _to do so. I don't care if you're supposed to be polite to guests in your house; I refuse to laugh at something that isn't even funny.

Oh yes… to make matters worse, Mr. Obvious Comb-over's greasy little son didn't bring his sex-god of a friend with him again. Instead, he brought four rather unattractive friends with him to dinner. The whole time, they all stared at me as if I was a statue on display and loudly whispered things about me where I could hear them. It almost got to the point in which I wanted to rip my shirt off again _just _so that I'd have a reason to run away again.

However, that wouldn't have gone over well, seeing as pudgy friend #1 leaned over and asked greasy son of Mr. Obvious Comb-over if I would 'be willing to flaunt my voluptuous bosom to them like I did last time'. This earned pudgy friend #1 a swift kick in the genital region from me under the table. At least… I hope that I kicked his genitals. With chubsters, you can never be absolutely sure.

Pudgy, smelly friend #2 actually tried to cop a feel. I had to stab him with my fork to get him to stop.

I'm definitely begging my Dad to never invite these people over again. If he doesn't listen, I'll most likely run away.

* * *

_**10:47 PM**_

A random owl slammed into my window about ten minutes ago. When I let it in, it dropped a message off on my desk and then flew back out. Obviously, whatever this mysterious letter says, the sender doesn't need an answer.

I dunno if I want to actually read it, though. What if it's a trick… or what if it's a trap? What if it's a letter from Voldemort so that he can lure me out of my house to decapitate me without making a giant mess in my room?

* * *

_**10:48 PM**_

I just realized that 1. Voldemort probably wouldn't care about making a mess in my room, and 2. I don't believe that he can actually read or write. From what I've seen or heard of him, he seems too mutilated to hold a pencil and waaaay too squinty-eyed to be able to see the parchment in front of him.

Poor man. He can't read any soothing stories. Maybe _that's _why he's so evil.

* * *

_**10:55 PM**_

I absolutely refuse to read that letter now. Humphrey crawled onto my desk and used it as his personal bathroom. That must be a sign that I shouldn't read it, no matter how tempting it is to do so.

* * *

_**10:56 PM **_

Oh the agony! The curiosity is gnawing at every fiber of my being! I finally understand that Muggle saying that I used to make fun of: _Curiosity killed the cat_. It really does make you so antsy, you feel as if you'll die unless you figure the problem out.

* * *

_**11:11 PM**_

I just made a wish!

Uh… and, being the pushover that I am, I read the letter.

I could barely read it though the Humphrey-excrement, but it looked like it said:

_Girl-Weasel, _

_Meet me at the Leak_ Cauldron the fir_t Hogs_eade week_nd by the b_ _ _rooms. I'_ _ be wearing a lo_ _ gre_ _ tie. We_ _ _hat pretty _it_le dre_ _ you _ave. You should feel _ike the _uckiest girl at _ogwarts._

_Sincerely, _

__rac _alf_y_

What the bloody hell is a lo gre tie? Is that a designer? And what's this about a leak in a cauldron? Did this person call me 'ucky'?

The nerve of some people. I will most certainly _not _meet up with this 'Rac Alfy'.

He even has a stupid name.

* * *

_[Humphrey will eat your pillow if you don't review. :[...]_

_I hope that ya'll enjoyed this chapter! There will be some actual plot-action soon… but for now, it's just a tad bit crazy. That's just how this story is. Haha._

_Well… thanks for reading at least. ^_^ _

__-Ketchupdtoytle-__


	3. Chapter 3

THANK YOU for all of your reviews! Woohoo! (This chapter's a longer one…)

Oh yeah… _**I don't own anything. I'm neither making any money off of this, nor do I intend to ever try to. It's all just for good old fashioned fun. **_

* * *

_**Tuesday, July 19**_

_**10:15 AM**_

I had believed, until recently, that the worst smell in the world was my brother Ronald's feet. Now, I have become accustomed to a far more potent stench—far worse than Ron's feet or anything that Humphrey could produce from his bum.

Percy has been gallivanting around our home all day whilst drenched in what he has mistaken for "cologne". He's over the moon about it, though, and won't tolerate any nasty comments about it. His reason for liking the vile substance is because (and I quote) "Everyone who's _anyone _is wearing it! The minister himself suggested it to me…" After that, we all stopped listening to him. We're all sick and tired of hearing about the Minister of Magic.

Well, the cologne, in my opinion, reeks of conformity—which is by far the worst stench in the world. I'm embarrassed to be in the same room as my strange older brother—which isn't any different than how I've always felt when around him. It's just… you _know_ things are bad when you have to resort to grabbing your nasty brother's foot and inhaling its stench deeply whenever your poofter of an older brother prances by. I have had to take four baths today because of Percy. Curse him and his conforming ideals.

* * *

_**11:49 AM**_

Mum caught me making my way to the bathroom for my fifth shower and threw a hissy fit. Honestly, no matter how I tried to explain myself to her, she just wouldn't listen. It's just something that a girl can only understand if she had grown up with 6 older brothers.

"Concerned about conserving finite resources" my arse. That's what magic is for, dear Mum.

Let's see how she'd feel after having Ron's foot rubbing all over her face and arms as he tries to wrench his limb from her grasp. She'd most certainly lost that calm composure of hers, I have no doubt about that.

* * *

_**2:30 PM**_

There's that blasted number once again. Why does it haunt me so?

Anyways, Fred and George have received their comeuppance. They had left an experiment of theirs that they were trying to test on me hanging above my door so that, when I'd enter my room, it would've fallen onto my head. What they weren't expecting was for Mum to be on her daily 'room checking rampage'. Now, although they are grown men, the two of them have been magically trapped in a room for the rest of the week. And not just ANY room. _Percy's _old room.

I can still hear them crying out in despair. Sweet, beautiful karma—thou art mine friend.

* * *

_**3:19 PM**_

Mum still hasn't regained her normal head size yet, nor has she gotten all of the red out of her hair. It's really quite an awful sight to behold, with the vibrant RED mixed in with her carrot-colored hair, all on top of a tiny head. It just makes it _that _much harder for me to respect her.

* * *

_**7:49 PM**_

Oh. Dear. Lord.

I just spent most of what could've been a beautiful day trapped in the kitchen. While my brothers were out playing a lovely game of Quidditch, I was subjected to the torture of going over wedding themes, decorations, caterers…etc.

Not only was I practically bored to tears from reading catalog after catalog and being lectured about the difference between "custard" and "yellow", but I was also exposed to the absolute horror of hearing more about my brother and father than I've ever even wanted to know. I can sort of handle hearing about whatever Bill gets up to in the bedroom without vomiting, but I could've lived my whole life happily believing that my siblings and I were the surprising miracle products of some immaculate conception. I even could've gone on blissfully believing that my parents didn't know what sex is and that they'd stolen us all from carefully-chosen couples with features similar to their own.

Maybe… just maybe, that last theory IS true. If Mum could've lied about being our true birth parent all this time, she could surely pull off lying about "how we all were conceived" to Fleur. Yeah. I like that theory.

I can now live my life with the beautiful knowledge that my parents have _never _seen each other naked. Phew. That's a relief…

* * *

_**8:17 PM**_

Dad tried to push the chastity belt on me again. I, being the articulate young lady that I am, ended up slamming my book down on my desk and then yelling out: "I refuse to follow into your footsteps and join the family's criminal business, Dad! I want to have kids of my _own _someday!" And then I ran out of my own room.

I don't believe that my father has ever looked at me quite that way before. I believe that it is because I have figured out their life-long secret. He probably just never expected to have such a genius for a daughter.

* * *

_**10:47 PM**_

Mum walked into my room and sat on my bed earlier with unreadable eyes. I just stared back, unwavering with my angry glare. After a few minutes of our silent battle, she shook her head and stood up to walk out of my room. As she left, she muttered loudly enough for me to hear: "I just don't know what to do with you, Ginevra…"

I wouldn't know what to do with me either. I must admit that I am a strange 'child' for someone to have to raise.

* * *

_**11:23 PM**_

I hate clocks…

Anyhoo, Humphrey seems to have gone missing. I'm not really worried, though.

If he was kidnapped, I'm more concerned about his captor than him, and if he wandered off, he wouldn't be able to survive without Mum's cooking for too long. He'll show up eventually.

* * *

_**Wednesday, July 20**_

_**9:45 AM**_

I'm so proud of my new-found information!

I just learned some new American Muggle slang! According to Ron, American Muggles have certain ways of saying things that they find 'cool'. These words are apparently mainly said by skinny, lanky Muggle boys with giant shirts and pants that they wear under their bums. These strange Muggles can't even wear hats the proper way! They wear them backwards. Hahahahahahaha.

Anyways, Rons says a 'home skillet biscuit' is what they call their Mums over there. _Also_, when one 'breaks out a nine and busts a cap', they're hugging someone. They even call their best friends their 'baby daddies' and they refer to a certain pastime of theirs as 'screwing'.

I dunno which pastime that it is because nobody would tell me. My brothers always _do_ enjoy leaving me in the dark. Even with strange American-Muggle slang.

Nevertheless, I've decided to start to expand my vocabulary with these bizarre words.

* * *

_**11:17 AM**_

Percy is such a poof. I walked downstairs in my favorite torn-up, lime green sweatpants with a neon pink zebra shirt, and he just about went ballistic. His exact words were: "My eyes! Oh, the horror! However could parents of mine allow for a fruit of their loins to dress like a Muggle circus clown! I must leave forthwith before I damage my corneas from beholding such atrociousness!" Then he disapparated on the spot.

To be quite honest, I half expected for sparkly glitter to be left behind and for the _pop _of apparation to sound more like a dainty '_ting'_.

* * *

_**2:35 PM**_

Oh sod it all.

Mum has officially joined the 'Ginny-is-sixteen-now-so-that-must-mean-that-she'll-become-a-common-tart' campaign.

I was cleaning up my room and gathering all of my laundry together when Mum found a pair of bright red, lacy knickers with 'bite me' written on the bum part. She threw a fit right there in my room. I _tried _to explain to her that the knickers had been a joke gift given to me by Collin… but that just made things even worse.

Now, Mum won't stop bombarding me with Muggle pamphlets about safe sex, or trying to teach me all sorts of 'tricks' that I should know to prevent pregnancy. Seriously. I haven't ever even _kissed _a boy for crying out loud!

My family is full of absolute nutters.

* * *

_**3:54 PM**_

Hahahahaha. I got absolutely bored and decided to read one of those Muggle pamphlets that Mum had shoved into my room. There was this funny little still cartoon under the section about 'The Danger of Abortions and the Possible Horrific Outcomes'. The picture was of a fetus inside of the womb crying "Get away from me!" and scrambling to get away from an evil-looking healer's face and hands. Honestly… what was all of him doing _down there_?

Muggles are so strange.

* * *

_**4:56 PM **_

We found Humphrey in Ron's room; when Ron found out about this, he almost fainted. Especially when he saw the thing that Humphrey was curled up in.

Humphrey had chewed up Ron's favorite Chuddley Cannons blanket had and made it into a sort of nest-thing. I thought that it was absolutely adorable. Ron, however, cried until his eyes looked about as large as a couple of quaffles. THEN, when he was finally finished being a baby girl, he did the stupidest thing in the world; he tried to grab the remaining pieces of his 'blankie' from under Humphrey. When Humphrey tried to protect his nest, Ron then screamed like a little girl and ran out of the room.

He deserved it. I would try to bite someone also if they woke me up just because they were trying to take something I was currently napping on.

* * *

_**5:14 PM**_

I have been invited to join my fattie of a cousin on a "good ol' fashioned camping trip" in two days. To be completely honest, I'm _not _looking forward to this at all. Alas, Mum hates me and told the chubby family members of mine that I "would enjoy nothing more than to bask in the presence of normal people for a week".

It is to be a week of living like a common Muggle. Truthfully, I don't mind Muggles in the least bit, and, having been raised by a father like mine, I actually find them rather interesting. _However_, that does not mean that I will enjoy not being able to be around any kind of magic.

I hate my family sometimes.

* * *

_**11:32 PM**_

Mum found out about Ron's destroyed 'blankie' and threw a fit just like him. She then forced me to sit down in the living room and hand-knit him a brand new Chuddley Cannons blanket.

I don't have any knitting skills whatsoever; Mum just didn't pass that marvelous talent of hers onto her beloved daughter. So, the blanket had some sort of sleeve-looking thing popping out of it and one or two giant blobs of yarn stuck on it. It also read 'Chunky Onions' and had what looked like a fat bearded lady riding on a toothbrush sewed onto it.

Mum, being the lovely woman that she is, told me that it was wonderful and forced Ron to use it at once. His face scrunched up like he wanted to cry again as he stuck his right arm into the 'sleeve' and then forced a smile on his miserable face.

I have never wanted a camera more than I did at that moment in time.

* * *

_**Thursday, July 21**_

_**2:30 AM**_

…

* * *

_**6:15 AM**_

Harry-bloody-Potter and Hermione-'I know everything'-Granger showed up this morning. I dunno who they were trying to fool by Apparating in at different times. It was obvious, to me at least, from Hermione's even messier hair/lack of lipstick and Harry's crookedly-buttoned shirt/flustered face that they'd come from the same place. I got some fun out of it, though. When Harry passed by me and tousled my hair as if I was five years old, I grabbed his arm and innocently stated "You applied that lipstick all wrong, Harry dear; it's supposed to go on your mouth, not your shirt collar" right where everyone could hear it. I love upsetting them all. It's what they deserve for being so bloody annoying.

* * *

_**7:18 AM**_

Mum has helped me pack my bags for the "Trip to Hell", as I've so lovingly dubbed it.

She won't listen to my pleas for mercy. She honestly believes that hanging around my fattie-relatives for a week whilst living like a Muggle will be good for me.

Why does she keep saying that? It's going to be the exact opposite of "living like a muggle". My family is full of Pureblood wizards. They may be related to my father (and therefore own the Muggle-obsession gene) but they honestly know next to nothing about Muggles.

* * *

_**9:25 AM**_

The 'Golden Trio' is so annoying. I'm not the complete idiot that they've convinced themselves I am; I'm well aware of the fact that they are all trying to find a way to destroy Voldemort once and for all.

The three of them like to think that they live in this alternate universe where the story revolves around them and that they're solely destined to be the ones to stop the psycho Half-blood with an inferiority complex from taking over the world. They just can't accept the fact that somebody else other than them could have any ideas on how to help them out. 'Dumbledore left them with a mission' my arse.

They're taking orders from a dead man and _I'm _the strange one? I've said it once and I will say it again: I live amongst such blatant hypocrites.

* * *

_**11:20 AM**_

I was trying to eavesdrop on the Golden Trio, but instead ended up knocking into the cabinet in the hallway. Ouch…

In my opinion, getting hurt in the breasts is the female equivalent to guys getting hit in their genital region.

* * *

_**12:34 PM**_

I was hungry for something meaty, so I grabbed some leftover meat from the night before and set it on a plate. While I was in the kitchen, however, I noticed some chocolate frogs sitting on the counter and wanted those, too. It seemed perfectly normal to me at the time to not waste my time eating one and then the other (my laziness knows no bounds), so I used a simple illegal—because I'm not 17—heating charm to melt the chocolate over my chicken.

Mum walked into the kitchen while I was eating my concoction and almost had an aneurism. Immediately, she freaked out and asked me all of these random questions about when my last period was and if my breasts had been sore at all lately. I told her that I hadn't really been keeping track of my periods so I wasn't sure, and then I rubbed my breast and said that it was hurting not too long ago, but the pain had passed. Then I pointed to my chocolate-covered chicken and sheepishly smiled at her, admitting that I had just had a strange craving for it and apologizing for its nasty appearance.

She fainted right there in the kitchen, but I paid her no mind. She's quieter when she's unconscious, and I saw no fault in leaving her there for a little while longer.

* * *

_**1:24 PM**_

I was reading another one of those funny Muggle pregnancy pamphlets to pass the time when Mum walked into my room with an icepack floating above her head. Upon seeing my reading material, she gasped and then promptly fled my room, looking as if she were about to cry.

I dunno what's gotten into her lately… but at least whatever it is has bought me some peace of mind.

* * *

_**5:17 PM**_

My entire family has been acting very strange around me today. I saw Dad outside, burning a levitating chastity belt. I didn't hear all of what he said, but I heard him cry out something that sounded like: "What a wasted effort!"

Ron and Bill both tend to get really red when in my presence and constantly clench their fists as if they're about to hit someone. Percy shakes his head when he sees me and mutters under his breath things about me that I probably don't want to hear—that doesn't really bother me, though, considering the fact that I do the same thing to him. Even Fleur hasn't tried to make me her best friend at all today. She just looks at me as if I'm some common Muggle street walker. Then there's Mum, who just cries a lot lately, especially when I walk near her.

Fred and George are the only ones who don't seem to hate me, and that's only because they're still trapped in Percy's old room. The only time they're seen or heard is when Mum brings their food up to them, or when their making their routine potty breaks.

It's like they're in jail…

* * *

_**8:34 PM**_

My entire family is insane! I was forced to hole myself up in my own room just to escape their strange behavior.

Humphrey seems to be the only sane one in the household at the moment… and he's a _chinchilla. _

* * *

_**10:12 PM**_

I got a random package today. The person sent me a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates—for once, though, this person captured and held my attention with them before I threw them out in disgust at the clichéd nature of the gifts. This wasn't the first time that I'd received flowers and chocolates from a secret admirer. This was something that, for some reason, happened to me a few times—I usually just didn't put up with the vile things because the concept is just so dried up.

This time, though, it wasn't a bouquet of expensive roses or another beautiful, pricey flower… it was a vase charmed to not spill over that was full of dandelions—my favorite type of 'flower'. There was even a note charmed to the front of it that read:

'_Nature's most misunderstood plant for Nature's most misunderstood girl'_

Curse this person for being so cheesy!

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing over after reading the note. I was just so unused to having someone understand my strangeness. I didn't even _know _this person and they had already made me cry. Sod it all.

Oh, and the chocolate box hadn't been full of chocolate at all; it was simply filled with Muggle safety pins. I had been confused, until I read the note that was in the heart-shaped box. This note was not nearly as adorable as the flower note, but was far more informative. It read:

'_These are to ensure the lack of future incidents like the one at dinner that night. Sorry that I couldn't make it to your house for the second dinner. No matter how much I wanted to see your lovely green bra again, I simply could not forgo my previous engagement. Enjoy the flowers, Ginevra. I hope to meet with you soon._

_-D' _

After reading that, I almost had a heart attack. Sexy friend of Mr. Obvious-combover's greasy son (that's certainly a mouthful) had written me… and had sent me "FLOWERS". I know that I should be more worried about figuring out what the bloody hell this 'D' was talking about when he said: 'I hope to meet with you soon'…but I'm too far-gone into lala land right now to be worrying about such pointless things. I'm so happy that it feels as if I'm floating off of my bed as I'm writing this—which has happened before…

Anyways, I've decided that, no matter how strange my family has been acting towards me, this summer has officially become the best summer of my short life!

I just hate how Karma, my so-called friend, likes to ruin things for me just when everything looks to be perfect.

I just hope that my good fortune lasts until school starts. Nobody cares about you when you're miserable at school—it's to be expected. Being miserable during the summer, however, should be illegal.

* * *

_**THANKS FOR READING! Please review again… and thanks once again for all that did review the last chapter.**_

_**By the way, I actually have eaten chocolate-covered chicken before. It's quite disgusting and was only done on a dare, but I will admit to doing it. Now… ranch and icecream… that's not too bad. :P**_

_***random***_

_**_-Ketchupdtoytle-_ **_


	4. Chapter 4

**__**_[RIP Jake 8/21/2009]_

* * *

_**Friday, July 22**_

_**3:43 AM**_

Can't sleep. Humphrey kicked my head with his little feet and woke me up from an exciting dream that involved dancing onions. Now I can't get back to sleep, which is a bad thing because now I'm going to be stuck pondering things in my head until about seven in the morning.

No. I won't allow myself to do that. I definitely need my rest 'tonight'. I don't want to be so tired tomorrow that I walk around with Ron's boxers on my head for two hours before I realize that my 'hat' smells a little off. I don't think that my delicate psyche could handle going through such a traumatizing experience... again.

* * *

_**3:50 AM**_

Have I mentioned how incredibly insane my family is? They've all been acting so loony that I fear insanity runs in the family.

I shouldn't be surprised, though. I've been informed upon many occasions that I'm downright barmy.

I won't let my family's odd behavior get to me, though. I have more important things to worry about at the moment—i.e.: surviving this week that I shall be spending with my pudgy relatives.

I wonder how I'll be able to manage to actually eataround them all. They _**all **_seem to be on these ludicrous diets that are NOT working for them. They'll probably only have healthy foodstuffs with them. Oh well. I think I'll just smuggle something crunchy and greasy with me in one of my bags.

* * *

_**4:55 AM**_

Still awake… Only, I just spent the last hour hand-sewing secret pockets into my knapsack where I can store my 'goods'. They're actually not too badly sewn on, in my opinion. They look quite good and inconspicuous if I do say so myself.

Oh no. More sewing? Willingly? I'm turning into Mum!

* * *

_**5:05 AM**_

The ceiling in my room has random streaks on it from where I painted it about a year ago. If I squint hard enough, the streaks make out shapes on my ceiling. There's a cute little earthworm… a spiral… a star… a few smiley faces… and then there's a gnome eating the earthworm's family while it watches…

* * *

_**5:25 AM**_

Humphrey is so cute. He looks so huggable when he's fast asleep on Ron's torn-up pillow.

* * *

_**5:33 AM**_

Fred and George are laughing about something in Percy's room right now. I really hope that they found something incriminating about Percy that they can show me once they've served their sentence. I'm in need of a good laugh.

* * *

_**6:04 AM**_

Oh bloody hell. These Muggle pamphlets are going to be the death of me. There was a pamphlet stuck in the pile of pregnancy ones that looked like it didn't belong, so I picked it up and read it.

It was about prostate cancer, which isn't that traumatizing to read about… only, there were these extremely _detailed_ pictures and diagrams in the pamphlet.

I don't think that I ever want to be near a boy again if _that's _what they're all hiding under their slacks; I especially don't think that I ever want to have kids either. There's no way I'm going near one of those things.

Ever.

Maybe.

...

* * *

_**6:12 AM**_

Hmmm… according to Mum's _Witch Weekly_, guys love it when a girl plays hard to get. It supposedly makes them feel more masculine in knowing that they worked for their girl or something. In my opinion, guys are just confusing creatures. Of course, I will admit that I understand the logic behind this—nobody likes those tarts that just throw themselves at guys willy-nilly.

* * *

_**6:30 AM**_

My fingernails are all uneven and short… and my hands are all pudgy-looking still. I had never thought of them as ugly until I saw the gigantic, perfect talons-for-hands that the models for _Witch Weekly _have. Now I feel as if my hands look like they belong to some hobo—not to a sixteen-year-old girl.

* * *

_**6:49 AM**_

Maybe I should start taping my breasts down with duct tape to stunt their growth. The models for _Witch Weekly _don't have large bosoms—or anything up there at all, really. They're so lucky. Why couldn't I have been born with those kinds of genes? Why was I stuck with a giant arse, huge breasts, and a carrot-top? Curse my parents and their unfortunate characteristics…

* * *

_**7:01 AM**_

Bloody hell. Did I not promise myself that I would go to sleep and _not _stay up until seven in the morning?

Sometimes I just make myself so angry…

* * *

_**11:45 AM**_

I hate rushing around at the last minute to find everything… yet, doing such a thing is inevitable when you fall asleep at seven in the morning and don't wake up until 11:15. My relatives are coming to pick me up at 1:00, yet I still don't think that I'll be ready by then.

* * *

_**12:04 PM**_

My family's still not talking to me. What the bloody hell is going on?

Usually I wouldn't mind this in the least bit, but it's really getting old. Sure, it was fun to go up to Percy and say "If you're having a steamy secret romance with the minister, don't say anything!" and then run away laughing… but, other than that, it's quite disconcerting being in such a silent house. It's driving me insane.

I just might have to resort to singing Muggle show tunes at the top of my lungs until someone finally tells me to shut up. At least then they'll have to talk to me…

* * *

_**12:16 PM**_

I finally forced at least _someone _to talk to me.

Unfortunately for me, it was Fleur.

According to Fleur, my family has been under the distinct impression that I'm "with child". What the bloody hell does that mean?

* * *

_**12:23 PM**_

Just found out what "with child" means.

…

My family is full of raving lunatics.

* * *

_**12:34 PM**_

Just spent the last ten minutes jumping around the house and rolling on the floor whilst screaming random facts about my life out to anybody that was in the house; I was doing anything and everything to prove that I was not, nor would I ever be "with child". Especially after reading that pamphlet.

They still haven't really started to trust what I'm saying, though. I guess my secret agent moves aren't secret agenty enough to prove that I'm not worried about the welfare of another human being inside of me. Time to up the ante.

* * *

_**12:44 PM**_

Hmmm… they still don't believe me. Even after doing jumping jacks and playing bongos on my belly with sticks until my stomach hurt, my family didn't immediately forgive me for acting the way that they did. Instead, Ron just turned a bright reddish color, and Mum looked concerned about my mental state. Oh, _now _they acknowledge my existence since I've finally gone barking mad.

* * *

_**12:47 PM**_

Oh bloody hell. I finally had to end up shouting to my parents that I was a virgin and had never—slash—would never see a… man part. Of course, now they all have confused expressions on their faces. At least now the house isn't silent. I can hear Fred and George still laughing upstairs upon hearing my frantic exclamation.

They are officially _dead_ once they're released from their prison.

* * *

_**1:02 PM**_

The Fatties haven't arrived yet. I'm not surprised or anything, though. They probably had to stop by somewhere to eat before they left.

Anyway, I've never been apologized to so profusely before. It's as if I'm in some alternate universe.

Hmmm… all it took for my family to appreciate me was for them to believe that some guy knocked me up. Maybe I should lead them to believe these things more often.

* * *

_**1:03 PM**_

Wow. Never mind. I wouldn't be able to handle the silence again.

* * *

_**1:12 PM**_

The Fatties arrived by Floo to whisk me along with them on the trip to hell. Shockingly, I was grateful when they finally got here. I was getting sick and tired of the apologetic glances that my family was sending me, and how much Mum was doting on "her wonderful, beautiful, well-behaved daughter". Does she have another daughter that she was confusing me with?

I'm fairly certain that I'm the worst child that a parent could get stuck with on the face of the planet.

Well, anyways, Bertha keeps trying to show me her earwax collection.

…if I die on this trip, I will come back as a ghost and make sure to trap her in a tiny room with said collection of earwax. She'd be forced to feed off of her nasty little germy sculptures in order to survive. Only then would I be able to rest in peace.

* * *

_**4:45 PM**_

Still sitting in my fatty relatives' house, waiting for us to finally begin this so-called camping trip. There has been nothing to do here but try to play with Humphrey—who, by the way, was just as equally displeased as me to have been dragged along on this trip. I couldn't have left him alone at the house, though. Who knows what he could've done to poor Ron if I had left him there with my family.

* * *

_**4:47 PM**_

Dang it. Why didn't I leave him at the house? That would've been bloody hilarious!

* * *

_**4:50 PM**_

Oh dear Lord. I think I spot my uncle setting up a tent in the backyard.

That's not camping! That's… sleeping in your backyard! My entire family is barking mad!

* * *

_**6:13 PM**_

They're all having some cookout next to their giant magical tent and child-proofed fire. By 'child-proofed', I mean non-existent.

There's merely a spot on the ground that's charmed to be toastier than the rest of the backyard.

I don't think that I'll be sane by the end of this "camping trip".

* * *

_**7:35 PM**_

Nobody in this bloody family has any talent, but I must admit that they are relentless. They've been going at this singing business for more than an hour, yet it looks as if they won't be done for a while.

The hilarious dancing bit ended a while ago, though, after only lasting for about two minutes; it was quite entertaining to watch my chubby family stick their rumps in the air and attempt to appear as if they were moving with the music. Of course, they all got tired and sat back down on their giant lawn chairs that were positioned around the 'fire' and then began the singing.

I think that I might have to join in with them soon. If not, one of them might just eat me.

* * *

_**8:33 PM**_

Wow. I didn't think that I could become even more bored than I already was.

I was wrong.

Bertha suggested that we go into the woods and try to play a prank on my other cousin, Jonathan-Providence the third (JP for short). This sparked my interest, for I absolutely loved playing pranks.

What I didn't know was that Bertha's idea of a prank was jumping out of a bush and yelling "boo" at the top of her lungs.

… There is no way that I'm actually related to her.

* * *

_**9:03 PM**_

Oh sod it all. I'm fully awake at the moment, even though 'bedtime' was at precisely 9:00. How my relatives managed to fall asleep in three minutes is beyond me. All I know is that there are all of these soft, warm beds that are just begging to be used, inside of a house about ten feet from where I am curled up in a thin blanket on the hard ground.

I think that I'll just sneak into the house and get some much-needed shut eye in the guest bedroom.

* * *

_**9:11 PM**_

Nice, warm, and snuggled up in a giant red comforter. Just because my relatives all come with their own natural padding doesn't mean that I necessarily do.

Not even my rather large bum came in handy out there. (Of course, if I'm being totally honest with myself, my bum is quite nice-looking. I've noticed that it's not flat and v-shaped like my relatives' rumps seem to be.)

Anyway, I'm just glad to be comfortable again while my relatives enjoy their night under the stars.

Humphrey's glad, too. I can tell this by the way that he destroyed the pillow next to me and made it into a nest-thing. He's so adorable.

* * *

_**10:32 PM**_

Something startled me awake, and I'm not so sure what it was. Oh well. It was probably just something in my dream… or maybe even Humphrey just being… Humphrey.

* * *

_**10:33 PM**_

Someone called my name. To say that it scared me would be an understatement; I screamed like Voldemort being forced to get a manicure.

It was just JP, who was sitting in the chair next to my bed as if he'd been watching me sleep. Creeper.

He told me that he thought I had a good idea, and that he was just hanging out in the guest room because he was too afraid to be in the big house all alone.

What. A. Pansy.

He's only about a year younger than me, yet he's scared of his own home?

Egad, my family is screwed up.

* * *

_**Thursday, July 29**_

_**12:23 PM**_

FINALLY.

It's time to go home!

The past week had been so uneventful that I fear I will die of boredom from just relaying it or even thinking about it.

All I know is that I've never been happier to return to my house than right at this moment. I think that I might even end up hugging Ron, which is simply shocking to even _think_ about. Humphrey looks visibly happier, too.

As I said goodbye to my relatives, he farted out his purple gas and killed their beloved Ficus.

I love this Chinchilla.

* * *

_**12:40 PM**_

What a glorious and exciting homecoming present. We're going schoolbook shopping.

Just kill me now to put me out of my misery. Please.

* * *

_**1:24 PM**_

I was perusing the tall, full bookshelves in the bookstore for _something _romantic and not parent-approved when I spotted the perfect novel. Something about a pirate falling in love with a far-off kingdom's princess or whatever…

The overused plot wasn't what drew me in, though. I think that I wanted it so badly just because on the front of it was this picture of the sexiest blond model that I'd ever seen. He was about thirty years old… but he reminded me of 'D', Mr. Obvious-Combover's son's sexy friend.

I slipped the book into the pile of books that Hermione was buying. She owed me a favor anyway, considering how I complimented her on her skin the last time I saw her. That definitely deserved something in return in my opinion.

Anyway, I'm going to start reading about this mundane love story. I've never read one of these books before, but I'm guessing that they're good, considering the sheer amount of them that Mum keeps locked away in her bedside cupboard.

* * *

_**1:27 PM**_

Five bloody seconds into this book and the characters are already kissing. How tarty is that?

* * *

_**1:34 PM**_

The book is stuck in a tree outside of my window at the moment. It got that way after I threw it there in astonishment.

I don't think that I'll ever be able to get rid of the mental image that book put into my brain. Why the bloody hell would Mum willingly read such a thing?

* * *

_**2:35 PM**_

Mum turned a funny color when I asked about the books that she keeps in her cupboard. She insisted that they were cookbooks, but I'm not convinced. I think that Mum has a guilty pleasure that she just won't admit to.

I don't really understand why she'd want to read such books, though. Books like that belong in one of those 'Adults Only' stores—not some bookstore where young ladies such as myself can trick their friends into buying said books for them.

Idiots.

* * *

_**4:45 PM**_

So bored.

I think that I'll owl Luna. Maybe she'll be able to come and stay at my house until school starts!

* * *

_**4:50 PM**_

Mum almost didn't grant me permission to invite Luna over—that is, until I reminded her of the way that they treated me before I embarked on my 'camping trip'.

Now she's making my favorite cookies and even allowed me to use the good owl to contact Luna.

Ah… blackmail feels so good.

* * *

_**5:54 PM**_

Luna arrived immediately. Apparently, she was just as bored as I was.

Her father had been wanting to go off on some dangerous mission to locate one of those imaginary creatures that they both love so much, but didn't feel comfortable with bringing his daughter along on said dangerous mission—so, the situation worked in everyone's benefit.

I'm just glad that she's here; now we can wreak havoc on my unsuspecting family members until school starts!

* * *

_**6:04 PM**_

Luna met Humphrey. She keeps insisting that he's something called a 'Giragulian'. She says that he's a supposedly mythical creature whose sole purpose is to eradicate all evil within proximity to its master. According to her, he's extremely rare and that I have been blessed by God for acquiring him.

I told her that she was being silly, and said that he was simply a magical Chinchilla who just so happens to emit purple gas from his bum.

She's not convinced, though.

* * *

_**7:23 PM**_

I think that I may be delusional.

At dinner, it seemed as if Luna, my very best mate in the whole world, was flirting with Ron.

_RON—_the very same brother that cries when he sees Humphrey and eats more than Crabbe and Goyle _combined. _

I'm just imagining this, I think. I'm still in shock from reading that horrible novel.

Yes. That's it.

It's my imagination.

* * *

_**7:34 PM**_

Mum's trying to fatten me up again. She insists that I'm too thin.

I told her to stop comparing me to herself and then I'd look normal.

* * *

_**8:03 PM**_

I was forced to apologize to Mum. I must admit that saying what I did was uncalled for, but it didn't mean that it wasn't true.

According to Luna, "those dang Herphlidumps slipped into my brain and forced me to say rude things". Mum was so confused from hearing this comment that, when I mumbled my half-hearted apology, she actually smiled and hugged me.

Mums are so weird.

* * *

_**8:21 PM**_

Luna and I put on a fashion show for Humphrey in my room—something that we haven't done since we were about five years old. It was really rather hilarious pretending to be one of those stick-thin models for _Witch Weekly. _I still envy them all so much.

According to Luna, those models aren't even real. They're just charmed to look a certain way in order to make young witches feel inferior.

Pfff. Luna can be so strange sometimes.

* * *

_**8:35 PM **_

Hahahahahahaha. I love being weird.

Luna and I painted each other's toenails a vomit green color, and then did each other's make-up without using our thumbs—as was tradition for sleepovers. I then took a brush and teased my hair, making it frizz out and look positively ugly. Luna took Percy's hair gel and smoothed her straight blond hair into giant spikes on top of her head.

When we were certain that we looked as horrid as possible, we then ran around the house, scaring Fleur and making Ron scream like a little girl. And no, I did not get those two reactions mixed up.

After taking many stupid pictures with Percy's beloved magical camera, eating a bunch of chocolate, and drawing faces on our toes, we decided to do something crazy.

It must have been because of the amount of sugar that was coursing through our bloodstreams, but we made a pact that we would do anything and everything to make our sixth year the best school year that anyone has ever experienced. We even wrote out a contract in red ink.

Red ink makes everything more official.

* * *

_**9:35 PM**_

Just spent the last hour plotting the biggest, best prank that has ever graced the Earth with its presence.

Neither the Marauders nor even the twin-Weasleys could've thought of something so ingenious. Even though it sounds conceited, I must admit that Luna and I are a dangerous pair.

Don't worry. The prank is nothing dangerous… just the very epitome of hilarity all wrapped up into one clever trick.

Hogwarts won't even have seen it coming.

* * *

_[Humphrey's holding your ficus hostage until you review!]_

_Thanks for reading!_

__-Ketchupdtoytle-__


	5. Chapter 5

_These were written whilst I suffered from a severe allergic reaction to something. So, while I COULD'VE BEEN scratching and wallowing in self-pity, I instead occupied my time with typing up the fics that I've been neglecting. Heh heh. _

_Please leave a review; I'm down on my blotchy, rash-covered knees here. It's quite embarrassing. _

* * *

_**Wednesday, September 1**_

_**2:23 AM**_

Just had the weirdest dream ever. In it, I got slipped a potion, which tricked me into marrying one of Hagrid's newest pets. I had refused to wear anything other than a purple veil, and Harry Potter had been the priest.

Hmmm… no more studying before bedtime. Or at all, really. I can just tell Mum that she was wrong and that studying has ceased to be useful. It's only caused me subconscious misery.

Yeah. That'll go over well, I think.

* * *

_**2:40 AM**_

I can't tell if I actually fell asleep or if I've just been lying in bed for about 20 minutes.

I can't stay up all night, though. I have something important to do it the morning.

I just can't remember what that 'something' is, exactly…

* * *

_**2:41 AM**_

This is driving me absolutely mad! I can't remember what's supposed to be happening today.

* * *

_**2:45 AM**_

I'm going to make a list and figure it out from there.

_Possible Important Events _

-Fred and George are taking me along with them to Brazil?

-Humphrey's birthday?

-Mum's 6th 39th birthday?

-Fred's Birthday?

-Last-minute shopping for a birthday?

_-_Percy's getting the stick in his arse surgically removed?

-The-boy-who-lived is going to propose to Ron?

Okay this is just getting silly.

I've narrowed down the list and have decided that tomorrow is most likely someone's birthday. I'll just be as calm as possible, and use my sneaky detective skills to figure this out.

For now, I should probably go to sleep.

* * *

_**3:01 AM**_

As I was crawling back into my bed, I rolled over onto a not-so-little present that Humphrey left behind for me.

Great. He must've mistaken me for Ron.

He loves me too much to do this to me on purpose.

* * *

_**3:46 AM**_

I'm such a hard worker and good pet owner.

I got all fresh and clean in the shower and then realized that I couldn't exactly go back to sleep on my soiled bed.

So, I did the right thing and lured a sleepwalking Ron into the bed using chocolate frogs.

Humphrey immediately abandoned his little make-shift nest in the corner and made a mad-dash for an unconscious Ronald.

I left the room with Humphrey gnawing on Ron's hair with a very content look upon his face.

* * *

_**9:33 AM **_

My back hurts. I had slept on Ron's floor because I refused to sleep on Ron's bed.

I mean, who knows how much gas and stink has sunken into that bed over the past few days?

There are just some things that one can't un-smell.

* * *

_**9:40 AM**_

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha… Ron looks as if he just got the snot beaten out of him. He's in a very rotten mood also.

I mean, he's missing quite a bit of his hair and still smells faintly like Humphrey pee, but I still think that I did him a favor. Mum has been bothering him for months to cut his "girlish hair", but he just hasn't listened. Now he doesn't have to worry about that anymore.

* * *

_**9:43 AM**_

Ron keeps shooting me these death glares whenever he happens to look my way.

What's up his arse? It's not my fault that everyone finds his misery hilarious, nor is it my fault that my pet chinchilla isn't excluded from that group.

* * *

_**9:55 AM**_

I sneakily walked up to Percy and casually asked what he thinks "the perfect gift would be for a day such as today".

My logic was that, if it had been his birthday, he would've told me what he wants, and if it had been someone else's he would've told me what he got for them. My plan was fool-proof.

What I didn't expect was for him to raise his perfectly-plucked eyebrow at me and tell me, with the snootiest voice ever: "Stop being a bother and get ready for school, Ginevra. You wouldn't want to embarrass the family—namely me—by showing up at the platform wearing those ratty pajamas."

* * *

_**9:56 AM**_

You can hear the agonizing cries of despair and pain echoing throughout all of Europe.

And, all of Europe just heard mine.

Yes, that is right. Today is the first day of school.

I don't exactly know what to do with myself.

* * *

_**10:16 AM**_

Dad is rushing all over the place, muttering to himself about markers or something.

I dunno what it is about the first day of school that turns parents into bumbling, blubbering buffoons.

But I'm too lazy to figure that out.

* * *

_**10:20 AM**_

I'm almost afraid to go downstairs and face my parents.

Mum gets overly emotional at the start of every school year. She goes on and on about how her "precious babies aren't going to be in [her] arms for many long months".

I have two objections to this statement.

We never would be "in her arms", even if we didn't have school. I dunno what someone slips into her morning tea at the start of every year that makes her think differently.

…and

The fact that we're leaving should be a good thing.

If I were a mum, "school time" would be my very favorite time of the year, _especially _if my children were anything like Ron.

* * *

_**10:22 AM**_

Ugh. I just imagined myself surrounded by a horde of Rons calling me 'Mum'.

If that would ever happen, I just wouldn't know what to do with myself.

Maybe jumping off of a cliff would be nice … but how would I get all of them to do it without arousing suspicion?

* * *

_**10:24 AM**_

Bloody hell, I think I've finally gone completely mad.

* * *

_**10:28 AM**_

Oh great. Mum has covered the entire kitchen with plate after plate of "Her Ronnie and Gin-Gin's favorite foods".

I must run away before any of this is forced down my throat. There's no way that I'm filling up on Mum's cooking today. It's usually filled with tears and possibly snot on the first day of school.

No thanks, Mum. I don't like my eggs _that _salty.

* * *

_**10:44 AM **_

I made it onto the train and into a compartment without having to face the embarrassing display of "family-time" that my parents seem to love so much. I was feeling quite proud of myself …

That is—until I looked out of the window to find that my parents were holding up _**signs**_ for Ron and me.

Not just boring, normal signs either.

They were glowing, _sparkling_, AND _**making noise**_.

Mum's sign read: "I love you, Ronnie and Gin-Gin! Make lots of new friends at school and always remember that nobody likes filth! Keep those rooms spotless!"

Now, this probably wouldn't be so embarrassing if she hadn't attached large, unfortunate pictures of our own rooms to the sign, demonstrating "acceptable and unacceptable states of cleanliness".

As much as Mum's sign embarrassed me, it was nothing in comparison to Dad's. His was mortifying.

I wanted to crawl in a hole and pretend that I was never kidnapped as a baby and forced into this family. (Because, of course, that _is _how I came to be a Weasley. My parents haven't _ever_ been … intimate.)

Dad's sign simply read: "To any and all straight teenage boys that will be attending school with my daughter, Ginny Weasley, just know I will be watching. I have my ways. No funny business. I will track you down and personally impair your ability to father children if you hurt my baby girl. This is not a joke. Sincerely, Arthur Weasley."

I'm officially disowning my parents…

* * *

_**11:01 AM**_

Ah, the train has left the station.

mmm… now it's sleep-time. Hopefully nobody disturbs my rest. I'm purposefully avoiding Luna right now. She has done the unacceptably disgusting. She has gone and done something so vile, so disturbing, and so incredibly mortifying, that I can barely face her at the moment.

…she has developed a crush on … Ron.

I just can't believe how right people have been about her all along. She really is messed up in the head.

I may just have to disown her as well as my parents.

* * *

_**11:02 AM**_

Ugg. I'm bored. Time to locate Luna.

* * *

_**11:18 AM**_

The train is full of odd people.

After walking through the train to find Luna (who was sitting in the Golden Trio's compartment… Shocker), I have come to the conclusion that I am relatively normal in comparison to everyone that I attend school with.

Beeeehind door number 1 resided a girl that we all know and love to hate: Pansy Parkinson. Pansy Parkinson was shaving her arm hair with a Muggle appliance as some nerdy guy cheered her on.

Beeeehind door number 2 was good ol' Phil Hoggins. He was hiding underneath one of the seats. His friends were proclaiming that, depending on if he saw his own shadow or not, Phil would decide whether there would be 6 more weeks of peace-time, or if the Final Battle would finally commence.

Beeeehind door number 3 was a random lad who was wearing socks on his ears. As I passed by, he loudly yelled out that "if [I took my] feet off, [my] shoes [wouldn't] get wet".

I could list off many, many more things that happened to me in such a short amount of time, but my hand is cramping.

And I'm lazy.

And nothing else really did happen after that.

* * *

_**11:52 AM**_

So, I finally got Luna's attention after glaring at her for 30 minutes straight. To say that it shocked or scared her when she finally noticed me would be a lie. Nothing fazes that girl, even though it _was _my patented Epic Death Glare of Epic Death-y And Glare-y Proportions.

The Boy-Who-I-Unfortunately-Shared-Blood-With, the Boy-Who-Was-Saved-by-His-Mum-When-He-Was-a-Baby-and-Got-All-of-the-Credit, and the Pile-of-Living-Bushy-Brown-Hair didn't even notice me. They were too wrapped up in each other and some piles of paper.

This didn't bother me, though. I was too busy trying to get Luna's attention.

I was entertained by a portion of the glaring episode, though. Neville and Dean had waltzed into the compartment with smiles on their faces, looking as if they had just discovered what the real difference between boys and girls is. Of course, by that time, I was absolutely seething in the corner of the seat, and they both just happened to be the first recipients of my EDGEDAGP.

They both just backed right back out of the compartment as if they had walked into the wrong one.

I should really start my own class. It would be entitled: How to Make Grown Men Piss Their Trousers.

I would be filthy rich.

* * *

_**12:25 PM**_

Luna and I have tied up any and all loose ends in The Big Prak.

And yes, "Prak".

We had been unsure of what to name the amazing prank of ours, so at the top of the official plotting paper, we had just written down what we thought had said "The Big Prank" … as a temporary name. Unfortunately for Luna, she can't spell to save her life.

If one were to ask Luna who misspelled "prank", she'd tell you that it was me; however, this is false.

She's just in denial.

She'll get over it.

* * *

_**7:26 PM**_

It seems as if the Great Hall gets 'less great' as the years go by. Is it really possible for a school of magic to lose some of its . . . magic?

Ugh now I'm rambling.

* * *

_**7:28 PM**_

I snuck Humphrey into the Great Hall with me because I felt as if he would want to see it in all its glory.

Also, I didn't want him to be left alone with everyone's personal belongings for an extended period of time.

I wonder if I can get special permission to take Humphrey to my classes with me.

Or… I could just bring him without actually telling anyone.

Hmmm…

* * *

_**7:32 PM **_

What? Why is...

_Snape_ is Headmaster? You've got to be kidding me.

Maybe this shouldn't be a shock to me... but I have a knack for never paying attention to "political matters" (if this even constitutes as such).

* * *

_**7:34 PM**_

Dang, Snape has a _giant_ schnoz.

From this angle, we can almost see up into his brain.

No! Don't turn too quickly, Snape! You'll knock over a floating candle!

* * *

_**7:35 PM**_

Or maybe he should. That'd be bloody hilarious.

* * *

**_7:38 PM_**

Ugh. It takes Snape about 8 years to state his point. He does this thing where he likes to elongate every word that escapes through his thin little lips. Every word.

This was maddening enough in Potions class... but at least I'm well-fed by the time Potions rolls around.

I'm _hungry_ and yet we're stuck slowly starving to death because it's taken Snape 10 minutes to say the word "Welcome".

* * *

_**7:40**_

I didn't listen to Dumbledore's 'state of the union' addresses when he was Headmaster. If there were to be a quiz over what Dumbledore said in his speeches over the years, I wouldn't be able to answer even one of the questions.

BUT, now that I'm suffering through a droning Snape-speech, I miss the old coot.

Except… I'm pretty sure Dumbledore did use the word "thou" at one point. Or maybe a lot in his speeches. I dunno what it was in context with, though. I was always too busy doing important things—like staring at my plate and imagining food on it (like I'm doing right now).

…Aaand right now I'm making up an Ode to the food in my head, using Dumbledore's vocabulary.

* * *

_**7:43 PM**_

Mmmm… dinner.

Thou art so delicious.

Alas, thou art also not in my stomach.

But thou will be.

Oh yes.

Thou will be.

Once this greasy man shuts his trap.

* * *

_**8:40 PM **_

I'm not talking to any of my so-called friends at the moment.

I had awoken a few minutes ago to find that everyone was neatly shoving their way out of the Great Hall.

I had apparently fallen asleep at the dinner table and nobody thought to wake me up.

I don't really care that I had been drooling all over the table for the entire school to see, and I don't care about the fact that people probably all now know that I talk in my sleep.

I'm absolutely livid about the fact that I hadn't been able to eat anything.

* * *

_**8:50 PM**_

Bloody hell… I do believe that my stomach is trying to eat its way out of my body.

Wait. Where's Humphrey?

Oh well. He's probably found Ron's things and is having his merry way with them.

He'll show up eventually.

* * *

_**8:56 PM**_

Soooo hungry.

But I can survive one night without eating something. People in those poor countries all over the world do it all of the time.

I'm strong enough to handle hunger just this once.

Yeah.

I'm Ginevra Weasley, and I control my body—not the other way around.

* * *

_**8:57 PM**_

Oh sod it all. I give up.

I'm going in search of any kind of food.

Good Lord, at this point, I'd even settle for eating a piece of moldy cheese that's been festering in Ron's sweaty socks for weeks.

* * *

_**8:58 PM**_

Ugh. Never mind. I wouldn't ever even look at Ron's socks, much less put something in my mouth that's been inside of them.

Some things are just too repulsive to imagine.

* * *

_**9:01 PM**_

I had succeeded in stealthily sneaking out of the girl's dormitories in order to begin my search for food.

Unfortunately, everyone was still awake and had all witnessed my embarrassing display of pretending to be an undercover Auror.

I'll just have to try again later.

* * *

_**11:17 PM**_

I think that it's late enough to sneak out of the common room now.

* * *

_**1**__**1:25 PM**_

Girl-Whose-Name-Slips-My-Mind just had a conversation with me. I thought for sure that I had been caught.

It had taken me a few minutes to calm my heart down before I realized that she hadn't been awake the entire time.

_Now _I'm going to head out to find that food, hopefully without anymore distractions.

* * *

_**11:34 PM**_

I had made it out of the 6th year girl's dormitories, through the common room, and just out of the portrait before I realized that I had no clue where the kitchens were.

I'll just have a rather large breakfast tomorrow morning.

Hopefully by then, Luna and I will have put The Big Prak into motion.

I probably won't be able to sleep, I'm so excited.

… and because I'm hungry. I mustn't forget that.

* * *

_I hope that was up to par, or whatever. I'm kind of distracted at the moment with my itchiness…_

_Then again, this story is crazy already, so I don't think it matters too much. _

_Anyways..._

_[Humphrey will have his merry way with your beloved things if you don't review.]_

__-Ketchupdtoytle-__


	6. Chapter 6

_For a while there, I was deathly afraid that I'd be stuck with 23 reviews. O.o _

_Nevertheless, thank you all so much for the reviews! I can't sleep at all, so I decided: why not type up my story?_

_I hope that you all enjoy this!_

* * *

_**Thursday, September 2**_

_**7:34 AM**_

It's only been 4 minutes since breakfast started, and I've eaten more food than Ron could ever hope to stomach.

I sure gave a few stray house-elves a fright when I stormed into the Great Hall at exactly 7:29. I imagine I did have a frightening expression on my face at the time, but up until this moment, this morning has been rather fuzzy.

I think I may've growled at Neville because he was in my way.

Oh well.

* * *

_**7:40 AM**_

I feel terrible, but, like the French, I mean terrible in both the good and bad ways.

I feel great because I no longer feel the need to eat my own hand, but then I feel awful because I ate enough food to sustain a small village.

* * *

_**7:55 AM**_

Luna just looked at me and scratched her nose. Then she winked.

What on earth is _her _problem?

* * *

_**7:57 AM**_

Oh! Time to initiate The Big Prak!

I would do a happy wiggle, but considering the fact that I feel like a baby hippo at the moment, that may not be the best idea.

* * *

_**8:23 AM**_

It took a while to perform the complex incantation we created, but eventually we got it right.

The Prak isn't due to start working until tomorrow, that way it's harder to link it to Luna and me, if someone were to see us out here.

Thank God Luna's a Ravenclaw. I would've never thought of that.

We make a good team, me and her.

* * *

_**8:31 AM**_

Oh no. Class schedules. I hate getting these. It just makes the fact that I'm back at school _that_ much more real.

* * *

_**8:32 AM**_

Ugh. NEWTS will be the death of me, I swear. If I didn't want to graduate on time, and if I didn't care so much about my grades, I probably would've taken better advantage of the whole "6th year free-period"-thing.

Unfortunately, I'm afraid that my 6th year schedule looks almost more strenuous than Hermione's was.

Bloody hell.

* * *

_**8:48 AM**_

I better run off to my first class, Ancient Runes (insert painful groan). It's practically on the opposite side of the building.

* * *

_**9:13 AM**_

Professor … I forget her name. Balding? Babing? Badding? … oh well.

Anyways, she has the largest glasses that I've ever seen in my life.

I do believe that she has some literal magnifying _glasses _to study her precious Runes with.

Hahahahaha. I crack myself up.

* * *

_**9:17 AM**_

Professor Blind assigned us seats and stuck me behind this boy with the shiniest hair I've ever seen. Hmmm… maybe I should ask him for styling tips.

* * *

_**9:19 AM**_

What on earth is that terrible smell?

It smells like what I imagine a grown man's soiled diaper would smell.

No. It smells like something that crawled into a grown man's soiled diaper… and died.

I don't think that I can handle much more of this.

* * *

_**9:22 AM**_

Shiny-haired guy shifted and so did the smell, ever-so-slightly.

Oh my. He has quite a bit of dandruff also.

Oh bloody hell. That's grease on his head that's making his hair so shiny!

I'm going to keep you right near me, diary, so that his crusty little head flakes won't land on you.

* * *

_**9:30 AM**_

Professor Blind just commented on how diligently I've been taking notes and stated to the class that "they could all learn some good habits from Ginevra Weasley".

Heh heh. Teachers always assume that I'm a marvelous note-taker. If only they knew what I was really doing whilst they droned on and on…

* * *

_**9:45 AM**_

Ugh. Homework on the first day back?

If said homework weren't so easy, I'd probably send in a formal complaint.

* * *

_**9:50 AM**_

Defense Against the Dark Arts time!

Unfortunately, from what I saw of the new DADA teacher, he's kind of boring-looking.

I don't think that I'll enjoy this class too much this year.

* * *

_**10:02 AM**_

He looks about ready to soil himself.

Oh sod it all. If he doesn't show a bit of backbone any time soon, he's going to be in big trouble.

* * *

_**10:05 AM**_

"This is my first time teaching, so please go easy on me for a little while. I'm not a firm believer in being strict, so this class will be as fun as I can possibly make it. Do you guys know why? Because learning is fun."

He just signed and dated a death wish.

Not his own.

He just murdered any possibility of us respecting him.

* * *

_**10:20 AM**_

He just announced that he knows "a sure-fire way to get to know us all". Strange American man.

* * *

_**10:30 AM**_

He's been staring at us for ten minutes. I'm starting to get scared.

* * *

_**10:37 AM**_

Stiiiill staring. I don't think that I've ever seen a class be this quiet or immobile before in my entire life.

Nobody seems to want to look away from him. Fortunately for me, I just find him to be creepy as hell, so his unsettling little gaze hasn't affected me quite the same way. I've also been doodling for most of the class period… so maybe I missed something.

* * *

_**10:45 AM**_

He finally stopped staring, but now we all seem too confused and creeped-out to talk or do much of anything else.

He announced that we didn't have homework, but then said: "If you all want to succeed in my class, you may want to begin reading that thing called a DADA textbook.".

I do NOT like this teacher.

* * *

_**11:01 AM**_

I've never been happier to rush off to Transfiguration…

* * *

_**11:45 AM**_

One _little, insignificant_ mistake, and suddenly I'm a felon!

I mean… if a student steps on a teacher's tail when she's a bloody cat on ACCIDENT, that teacher shouldn't automatically assume that it was done with malicious intent.

Now I've got detention. And now I'm going to be on McGonagall's hit list until I graduate.

I mean, bloody hell! It's not my fault that McGonagall feels the need to transform into something with a protrusion from her arse, and then decides, during the middle of class to go prancing through the aisles!

I was getting up to get a tissue and I didn't see the one-foot-tall, same-color-as-the-floor feline that was silently making its way by my desk!

It's not as if I had sat there, eyeing her and waiting for the exact moment that she passed by to spring onto her like a mad woman! If anything, she should have her animagus license revoked.

She has no business whatsoever doing such a thing during class.

* * *

_**11:47 AM**_

I mean, really! What educational purpose does it serve for her to, whilst all of us are diligently working on our class work, suddenly spring off of her desk and turn into a furry little animal?

If anything, the only purpose it serves is to give all of us nightmares.

I mean… _nobody_ wants to see a wrinkly, ancient woman suddenly have a little cat seemingly burst out of her body.

That's enough to scar someone mentally for the rest of their lives.

* * *

_**12:06 PM**_

_****_To Lunch or not to Lunch? That is the question...

Meh. I'm still full from gorging at breakfast. And I'm in a foul mood because of McGonagall.

I think that I'm just going to go to the library and work on my Ancient Runes homework.

* * *

_**5:00 PM **_

I haven't really been in the mood to write all afternoon. Receiving that detention thing really set me off.

Speaking of which, I must report for detention at 7:00.

I should really finish up my homework before then.

Once again, I must ask: Why give out homework on the first day back to school? That's just evil.

* * *

_**6:50 PM**_

I arrived at detention early, surprising McGonagall more than she'd ever admit.

She just told me to put my notebook away. Darn it. She's probably going to make me actually _work._

* * *

_**8:10 PM**_

Bloody. Hell. I had to clean almost every inch of that room. Without magic.

I don't think that I've ever been this tired before.

* * *

_**8:15 PM**_

I do believe that my heart is trying to break out of my ribcage.

I wish it would quiet down. _He_ might hear it and find me in this hiding spot.

Which would defeat the purpose of hiding from him in the first place...

...

I was sluggishly dragging myself back towards the Gryffindor tower when I ran into a very strong, very delicious-smelling, very _male_ chest.

Before I fell on my arse like the klutz that I am, his strong arms had steadied me.

With the risk of sounding like one of Mum's dirty novels, I wanted more than anything for him to pull me close to his chest and ravish me with his lips.

Instead he had let go of me as if I had actually burned him or something.

When I had actually looked at his face, I had been so surprised to discover that it was, in fact, 'D'.

I want to say that I had flirtatiously smiled or batted my lashes or something else to that extent, but all that I had done was mumble that I was sorry and sprint in the total opposite direction of the Gryffindor tower.

Now I'm stuck hiding in this nook until I know that he's gone and won't realize that I had gone the wrong way.

* * *

_**9:50 PM**_

Ah… nice, safe and warm in my glorious bed.

Strangely, I'm afraid to go to sleep now.

For some reason, I keep thinking that McGonagall is going to pop out from under my bed and step on _me_.

* * *

_**Friday, September 3**_

_**12:13 AM**_

What was that noise?

* * *

_**12:15 AM**_

It was probably just what's-her-face making weird gurgly noises in her sleep.

She's so annoying to be around.

I hate not falling asleep before she does. She makes awkward moaning sounds when she's asleep, and it really annoys me.

_Bloody hell_. Is she constantly dying in her dreams or something?

Whether it's because of sleep deprivation or simply because I'm an irritable person, I honestly want to AK her at times.

... I feel bad for writing that.

* * *

_**12:17 AM**_

She just did it again.

I actually DON'T feel bad at all.

* * *

_**12:19 AM**_

I swear I just heard a "meow".

* * *

_**12:25 AM**_

I'm just imagining things, I bet.

Nevertheless, my wand is going to sleep with me in my bed tonight (this morning, actually), rather than the bedside table.

* * *

_**12:30 AM**_

Did my bed just shake?

* * *

_**12:37 AM**_

My bed _definitely _shook just then.

Maybe I should check underneath my bed?

* * *

_**12:43 AM**_

I can't do it. Why, oh why was I put in Gryffindor? I think that my parents and brothers bribed the stupid Sorting Hat to put me in Gryffindor.

That would explain SO much.

* * *

_**12:46 AM**_

Alright. I can't take it any longer. I'm going in—er, _under._

* * *

_**12:48 AM**_

It was just Humphrey. Silly little bugger.

I told him that he scared his mummy. I swear he smirked at me.

* * *

_**12:50 AM**_

WHOA. Humphrey just farted out blue stuff.

Is something wrong with him?

* * *

_**1:48 AM**_

I still haven't been able to sleep. I keep thinking that something's wrong with Humphrey. Maybe he's sick.

Would Madame Pomfrey treat a pet in the infirmary?

What do people _do _at Hogwarts whenever their pets get sick or hurt? Do they take them to Hagrid?

I've never actually liked Hagrid. I dunno if I want to entrust him with Humphrey.

Actually, I don't really know who I would be more worried about in a situation like that.

* * *

_**5:54 AM**_

I can't seem to sleep at all. I think that I'll just go take a nice, long bubble bath.

Maybe Humphrey should come with me. He's starting to smell quite ripe.

* * *

_**6:01 AM**_

Ah… I really love taking bubble baths illegally in the Prefect's bathroom.

So does Humphrey. At first, he openly opposed being anywhere near the water, but once he saw the bubbles, he got really excited.

I should probably be worried about him eating the bubbles, but he's eaten worse things. If it means that he'll be clean, I won't complain.

* * *

_**6:45 AM**_

I must have dozed off for a bit in the perpetually warm water.

Most of the bubbles have disappeared. Maybe it's time to get out.

* * *

_**6:47 AM**_

What's that sound? It sounds like what's-her-face, moaning in her sleep still.

Bloody hell, I can't escape her.

Wait… the Gryffindor tower isn't anywhere near the Prefect's bathroom.

What on earth is that noise then? There's even a thumping coming from somewhere.

* * *

_**6:53 AM**_

I'm starting to get a little freaked out. I think it's time to head back to my dorm.

* * *

_**7:10 AM**_

Humphrey smells so clean and looks so fuzzy I can't help but want to hug him every chance that I get. He looks really content at the moment, though, so I won't annoy him.

He keeps farting out blue stuff, though.

I'm starting to worry that either something's wrong with Humphrey or something's wrong with my eyes.

I hope that it's neither.

* * *

_**7:37 AM**_

I feel oddly wide awake, despite my lack of actual sleep last night.

* * *

_**7:46 AM**_

Luna's down at the end of the hallway, trying signal something to me. I think that I should put you away for now. Whatever it is seems important.

* * *

_**8:01 AM**_

Best. Day. Ever.

I had completely forgotten about The Big Prak!

Luna had been waving her arms frantically, trying to tell me to be quiet, but I hadn't understood.

Being the complete genius that I am, I loudly yelled out: "What the bloody hell are you doing?"

Immediately, all of the suits of armor in the hallway began swarming around me.

I guess if I hadn't created the prak, this probably would have scared me.

But, that's not what the Big Prak was created to do.

They had all began to do a synchronized dance, loudly singing in harmony "What the bloody hell are you doing" in a show tunes kind of way.

I even joined in on the dancing a bit, I was so proud.

* * *

_**8:11 AM**_

After the initial shock of what had happened tided over, people began to really appreciate The Big Prak for what it was.

Some more than others… but, hey, you can't please everyone.

* * *

_**10:13 AM**_

We all sat in the empty Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, wondering where our weirdo teacher could possibly be.

It wasn't until the frazzled-looking man sprinted into the classroom, flocked by a hoard of dancing suits of armor, that we realized what had been holding him up.

I can't repeat what the suits of armor had been singing because it wasn't very appropriate.

I would've never guessed that Mr. I'm-afraid-of-my-own-shadow had such a colorful vocabulary.

* * *

_**6:43 PM**_

Today was quite eventful.

Apparently, even though none of the teachers were very fond of my beloved Prak, none of them had been able to put an end to it.

Let it be known that Ginevra Weasley and Luna Lovegood managed to create their very own charm that not even the prestigious teachers of Hogwarts could put an end to.

I'm so happy right now that nothing can faze me.

* * *

_**6:50 PM**_

I just ran into 'D' again and I was still so happy that I did a jig right in front of him, along with a stray suit of armor.

Usually, this would embarrass me to no end… but I'm sooooo happy right now!

* * *

_**6:54 PM**_

What? Silly Pansy Parkinson knows 'D' and called him Draco. Hahaha… she's so funny…

* * *

_**6:55 PM**_

. . . Pansy Parkinson called 'D' Draco…

* * *

_**6:56 PM**_

_**. . . **_

* * *

_**6:57 PM**_

'D' has white-blond hair. 'D' has gray eyes. 'D' has regal, beautiful bone structure. 'D' has an air of superiority. 'D' hangs out with Slytherins. 'D' is wearing Slytherin robes. 'D's name begins with 'D'.

… no. It couldn't possibly be.

There's no way that … he… uh …

'D' was nice to me. 'D' sent me flowers. 'D' isn't a lanky, ferrety git!

There's no possible way that 'D' is Malfoy!

* * *

_**7:03 PM**_

'D' is Draco Malfoy.

Well… there goes my happy mood.

* * *

_Longer than usual… and it may be really crazy because I just spent a sleepless night typing it all up. _

_I hope that you all enjoyed it, though. _

_[Humphrey is under each of your beds right now, waiting to pounce on those who don't review.]_

__-ketchupdtoytle-__


	7. Chapter 7

… _***drops chapter on ground and skips off into the sunset epically***_

* * *

_**Saturday, September 4**_

_**6:00 AM**_

This is earlier than I usually like to wake up on Saturdays… or ever.

* * *

_**6:02 AM**_

_****_Wait... haven't I mentioned before how being out and about before 8 AM should be illegal?

So why am I awake right now? UGH.

* * *

_**6:05 AM**_

Have I mentioned before how much I hate people sometimes?

They're all so bloody annoying. Pricks. Twits. Prats.

I mean, if I ask "what's wrong", then it's only because I'm trying to appear somewhat decent and likeable. It's universally known that, when an acquaintance asks you "what's wrong" when you're down, you're supposed to just say "Oh, it's nothing. I'm fine".

Why? Because nobody really cares about someone else's problems. People have problems of their own to deal with.

Obviously, Romilda Vane is too thick to realize this. That—or all of those charms she uses to try to cover up her nasty acne are beginning to mess with her brain.

* * *

_**6:07 AM**_

Oh, look at her go. I can't even make myself feel bad for that last comment.

She's just babbling away about something involving a headband, a pencil sharpener, and pig dung.

She doesn't even realize that I'm not interested in what she has to tell me.

* * *

_**6:10 AM**_

I reeeally want to get up and walk away.

All of my muscles are tingling with anticipation of doing just that.

But… I … can't.

Curse me and my kind, caring nature.

* * *

_**6:11 AM**_

I haven't even looked up from my notebook this whole time.

* * *

_**6:12 AM**_

Oh no… what if she thinks that I'm taking notes like a shrink?

She's going to tell all of her friends that I'm studying to become some sort of therapist… and then all of them are going to come rushing at me with _their_ pathetic problems!

Maybe I should show her that I'm really not taking notes.

Hmmm… time to tilt the notebook towards her and draw a picture of a cat.

* * *

_**6:15 AM**_

She didn't even look over at my lovely stick-cat. I even made it dance.

* * *

_**6:17 AM**_

It feels like it's been YEARS since I first sat down here. Is my bum going numb? Nope. I just poked it. Definitely felt that.

I hope she doesn't think I'm fondling myself in front of her. That'd make this ten times more awkward than it already is.

* * *

_**6:23 AM**_

I wonder what she's saying. I would listen to her, but that would actually take effort.

Besides, there are some things that one can't un-hear. Who knows what she's whining about?

I certainly don't.

* * *

_**6:26 AM**_

I named the stick-cat Polly and drew Romilda asking if "Polly wants a cracker".

I dunno why I put that down. I heard someone say that one time. Apparently, if an animal is named Polly, then they develop a fetish for crackers.

* * *

_**6:28 AM**_

Polly now has a stick-frog friend named Benny and a stick-Phoenix friend named Hanson.

I'm running out of stick animals to draw.

And the Phoenix doesn't look very Phoenix-like.

* * *

_**6:35 AM**_

Sheesh, this girl can _talk_.

And this page that I drew the cat on is slowly turning into a crudely-drawn comic book thing of some sort.

* * *

_**6:43 AM**_

Oh no! Stick Polly and pals are being tortured by the evil Romilda! She got angered that Polly wouldn't accept her poisoned cracker and is now going to talk to them until their ears fall off!

* * *

_**6:55 AM**_

Luckily, quick-thinking Polly attacked Romilda with its magical spit, revealing her repulsive acne. She then dissolved into a pool of her own shame.

* * *

_**6:56 AM**_

… oh bloody hell, she's still talking. I heard something about Mars and bacon grease. I believe that, if I were to actually listen to her, I'd befall the same fate that Polly and pals almost … befell…

* * *

_**6:57 AM**_

Oh bugger… that's been her plan all along! She's trying to talk to me until my ears fall off!

She's just jealous of my clear complexion and not-crooked ears!

* * *

_**6:58 AM**_

!

* * *

_**7:07 AM**_

I'm now sitting in the common room, feeling a little guilty.

I had jumped up, yelled "I know your plan, missy" and then threatened her that, if she ever tried to take my ears off of my head again, I'd use Polly's magical spit to reveal her horrible complexion. Then I had run towards the common room, covering my ears and singing "la la la" the whole time.

… I do believe that I _maybe_ overreacted a bit…

I tend to do that sometimes.

* * *

_**7:14 AM**_

Hmmm… I'm hungry.

* * *

_**7:36 AM**_

Luna just laughed so hard that her pumpkin juice spewed out of her nose.

I'm actually a bit jealous.

I've tried to do that so many times. It never works for me.

My throat and tongue have this automatic reflex thing going on where I always swallow the drink before I can get even a chuckle out.

It's rather infuriating.

* * *

_**7:48 AM**_

Just got a random letter from Mum. I'm not really in the mood to read it though. I'll just skim it.

She's warning me to be nice to… blah blah blah… because they're new to… yadda yadda yadda… and she'll be absolutely livid with me if I … etc. etc. etc…

Boring. Absolutely boring.

* * *

_**7:52 AM**_

Oh bugger. Time to duck underneath the table.

I see Malfoy.

* * *

_**8:03 AM**_

I keep asking Luna if she thinks he saw me, but she keeps spouting some nonsense about Warksp—somethings … and how they're making me act all funny.

There are times in which I find her weirdness endearing, as I think I've mentioned before.

Now is not one of those times.

* * *

_**8:12 AM**_

It's actually rather nice under here. The roar of the cafeteria is… less of a roar. Oh, and Random-Ravenclaw-Girl-person has some really cute shoes on today.

I also found a galleon! It has some unidentified gunk on it, but I still want it.

Maybe I'll just use a napkin to wrap it up with.

* * *

_**8:16 AM**_

Luna's trying to get me to come out from underneath the table. She doesn't understand that 'D'… err… _Malfoy_ could find me at any second.

And I just can't handle that nonsense at the moment.

I also happen to like hiding like a coward. It's just something else that I can use to figuratively rub in the Sorting Hat's face for placing me in the wrong house.

I honestly have none of the Gryffindor-like traits whatsoever.

Sometimes I fear that I'm actually a Slytherin at heart (or worse … a bloody _Hufflepuff). _

* * *

_**8:18 AM**_

What is that girl doing with her foot on that guy's lap? Aww that's sweet. He's a caring boyfriend. He's even putting up with her annoying foot spasms.

And two guys are secretly holding hands over at the Gryffindor table. Oh, it's just Dean and Seamus. Totally normal.

… ugh… This is just like some giant blob of cutesy sweetness. It makes me feel like throwing up.

Or maybe that's because I'm sitting in something wet and gooey, and the underside of the table kind of smells of feet…

* * *

_**8:24 AM**_

What the… there's another person under the table, too.

They appear to be sleeping though.

Sheesh, at least I have a good excuse to be under here. That's just pathetic right there.

* * *

_**8:30 AM **_

Luna's so infuriating. She won't stop talking to me.

Earth to Luna: you can't talk to a person when they're in hiding. That either gives their location away or makes you look crazy.

Wait.

_Luna_ talking to herself probably looks normal to everyone else...

* * *

_**8:40 AM**_

My legs are falling asleep. Not just one of them, like what usually happens, but both of them. When does that ever happen?

Oh bother. Someone passed gas. I don't think I can stay down here for much longer. Hopefully Malfoy leaves the Great Hall sometime soon.

* * *

_**8:41 AM**_

I've been down here for ages! I need to get out of here before I suffocate or die of boredom. I'm not sure which one would be worse.

I'm just going to stand up. He wouldn't still be here anyways. He has better things to do than sit in the Great Hall all day long.

* * *

_**8:54 AM**_

So…

I ran away again.

I had awkwardly wiggled out from under the table, using only upper body strength due to my sleeping legs.

Being me, I had of course ended up sprawled out on the floor with my bum in the air. This bared my knickers to the world. Sod it all…

Malfoy had then chosen that moment to walk over to me and say some snide comment that I didn't really hear. But I know it was snarky and snide. He's Malfoy. He's fluent in … Snark.

I then proceeded to do what I just mentioned. I ran out of there as quickly as possible (Which wasn't very quick, mind you—my legs were still all tingly and not responding as well as I'd have liked for them to).

I really shouldn't have been sorted into Gryffindor. The Sorting Hat was on crack that night.

* * *

_**9:01 AM**_

I can't stop thinking about how people saw my knickers. I'm angry at myself for not wearing more attractive underwear. NOT that I care about looking good in Malfoy's eyes or anything.

It's just that my knickers are horrible. They're too large for my bum (shockingly) and aren't flattering to my figure in any way. My bras are fine. They tend to make my annoyingly large girls look rather appealing, I'm not afraid to admit.

BUT, my downstairs knickers are horrifying. They go above my belly button! When putting them on, I usually shield my eyes.

According to Mum, "I shouldn't be worrying about what my knickers look like at MY age. Nobody else is going to see them". Well, Mum. What do you have to say about that NOW?

* * *

_**9:10 AM**_

I just remembered that Slughorn assigned us a giant essay. He never likes my essays. He says that I ramble about nonsense too often.

I don't know where he even gets such an accusation. I don't ramble. I ponder.

Anyways… to the library!

* * *

_**9:28 AM**_

Just passed by the Golden Trio. They were talking about possible ways to defeat Voldemort—not very quietly, might I add—so I simply provided my input.

I told them that they should try to read him a couple of short stories. I mean… the reason he's in a tiff with the world is because he can't soothe himself with any type of literature, due to his eye condition.

Why do people always look at me as if I'm tap dancing on feet that just grew out of my head?

* * *

_**9:48 AM**_

Bloodroot? Why are all potions' ingredients so… morbid?

* * *

_**9:56 AM**_

Sparkling cat fesces? Why must they have to sparkle? How on earth does Slughorn not expect me to ask him these questions in essay-form?

* * *

_**9:59 AM**_

I mean… seriously. I've seen cat poo before. Its freshness made it shiny, yes… but not _sparkly._

* * *

_**10:10 AM**_

Hmmm… that was weird. I just saw a flash of red hair over by the books, but… Ron's allergic to books.

Oh, and he's still plotting Voldemort's demise with his other halves.

That wouldn't be possible, actually. You can't have three halves. Calling them his other thirds sounds bloody stupid, though.

* * *

_**10:12 AM**_

There it was again! Nobody else in this school has hair as vividly reddish-orange as the Weasleys. My mind is just playing tricks on me because it's bored.

* * *

_**10:18 AM**_

That's funny. I thought I just saw my cousin JP chewing on a book.

That's impossible, though. (Eh, not the book chewing. He tends to do that when he's reading and gets hungry.)

… He goes to _Durmstrang_, though. Both him and my cousin Bertha.

That's why we only have to put up with them once a year. They live too far away.

My mind IS playing tricks on me. Maybe this essay has been written _enough. _

* * *

_**10:20 AM**_

Oh sod it all. I spilled ink on my essay!

I have to start over!

* * *

_**12:12 PM**_

Well, paper's finished. And this time, with no ink spill.

* * *

_**12:30 PM**_

Gah. That essay was more stressful than it needed to be...

* * *

_**12:31 PM**_

Hmmm… it seems as if my right hand has decided to turn a purple color.

…That shouldn't be normal.

* * *

_**12:32 PM**_

It's spreading up my arm. It's makig it hrdr fr me to writ

* * *

_**5:30 PM**_

Whoa. I passed out.

Luckily I had my book open. So, hopefully people didn't think I was napping. Maybe they'll assume I'm very near-sighted.

* * *

_**5:31 PM**_

I should probably go to Madame Pomfrey.

…Nah.

* * *

_**5:39 PM**_

Luna wants to show me some creature that I know doesn't exist. I'm going to humor her anyways…

* * *

_**6:02 PM**_

She couldn't find whatever it was she was looking for, but that was the least of our worries.

The entire time, we were being stalked by some man from a painting. He kept hopping from painting to painting, trying to ask us questions about our personal lives.

We eventually lost him when he entered a painting full of irate werewolves, but something tells me he'll figure out a way to show his ugly face again.

* * *

_**6:07 PM**_

Luna keeps ranting about the creature she was trying to show me. She doesn't understand that I have more important things to worry about than her fantasy world.

* * *

_**6:08 PM**_

Hmmm… maybe Luna really does live in a different world than the rest of us.

I mean, if Madame Pince can somehow find knickers that fit around her over-sized bum, than anything is possible, really.

* * *

_**6:09 PM**_

I actually don't have any room to talk when it comes to large knickers. Maybe she steals mine.

Lord knows my knickers can comfortably house an army of men.

* * *

_**6:10 PM**_

Good Lord, if Ron found out that I was even thinking about men being anywhere near my knickers, he'd hex a chastidy belt onto me faster than I could say bumalumdiddydum.

* * *

_**6:16 PM**_

Oh dear… I've just realized that Hogsmeade Weekend is coming up sometime soon.

Not that this Hogsmeade weekend will be any different than the rest, though.

_Nothing _special going on then at all.

* * *

_**6:20 PM**_

This feels like it's been the longest day on the face of the planet.

Stupid school. Warping my perception of the world around me.

* * *

_**8:30 PM**_

Madame Pince somehow managed to guilt me into helping her out. I think I just felt awful for all of the times I'd made fun of her bum-problem.

Once again, I really don't have any room to talk.

* * *

_**8:45 PM**_

Isn't it too late to be forcing students to run errands for you? This should be considered child abuse or something. Madame Pince should be strung up by her knickers and pelted with humus (or whatever it is people pelt the unlikeable with).

* * *

_**9:05 PM**_

She wants her desk rearranged.

Lazy woman. Why make _me_ arrange it? If she organized her own bloody desk, she'd know where everything is.

It just makes more sense.

* * *

_**9:13 PM**_

Madame Pince is throwing a fit because I adamantly refuse to organize her pencils. She has exactly 23 pencils on her desk.

I'm not touching them.

* * *

_**9:35 PM**_

Ah, Professor Binns, I love you.

He investigated the so-called ruckus that Madame Pince and I were making out of sheer curiosity. After a few minutes, he then convinced Madame Pince that it was getting late and that I should be getting to sleep anyways.

Ah… I should make him a nice pie for Christmas or something—err… _Mum _should bake him one.

I can't bake to save my life. Me baking treats for someone is the equivalent of someone leaving a bag of burning dung on someone's front porch.

* * *

_**9:44 PM**_

That's kind of perfect, actually.

It's such a kind gesture that it'd be hard to find malice in it.

Oh, McGonagall, you really shouldn't have ever decided to get on my bad side.

* * *

_**10:02 PM**_

I just fell asleep for a few minutes and drooled a bit on you, diary. Sorry.

It's definitely time to go to bed and end this unbelievably long day.

* * *

_**10:13 PM**_

Just read that letter that Mum sent to me because it fell out of my pocket.

Oh bloody hell. My cousins are attending Hogwarts due to some financial issues or something.

What'd they do... eat their money?

* * *

_**10:14 PM**_

That was mean. I guess I'm just a bit loopy.

And a bit angry. Hogwarts is my own personal domain.

And I'm only supposed to be forced to mingle with said cousins once a year. It's an arrangement that works in everyone's favor. They just had to go and ruin that for everyone also.

Selfish cousins.

* * *

_**1**__**0:17 PM**_

"_Be nice to your cousins, Ginevra, or else you'll be in severe trouble when you get home, and your father and I will find a way to embarrass you. Mark my words. Oh, and I love you, sweetie!"_

Pffft. Mums…

So unbelievably annoying, yet also so unbelievably frightening.

I'll _tolerate _my cousins. I'll tolerate 'em, but I won't be _nice_ to 'em. They're infuriating.

I'm always about 3 seconds away from hexing them.

The fact that I have yet to actually hex them is the nicest thing I could ever do.

* * *

_**10:23 PM**_

Wow.

I feel like a wimp.

I'm about ready to pass out and it's barely 10:30.

I just

My eyes keep

drooping

And I can't

* * *

_*ends chapter in weird spot*_

_*runs away*_


	8. Chapter 8

_Disclaimer: Mine not is Potter Harry. _

_(please R&R)_

* * *

_**Sunday, September 5**_

_**6:44 AM**_

My dream started out quite nicely…

I had a giant platter full of delicious chocolate in front of me. I could even practically I _smell _the delicacies.

BUT then the chocolate started singing "God Save the Queen" in high-pitched voices, so I ate them to shut them up. After I did this, I got really fat and couldn't fit into my school uniform, so I got kicked out of Hogwarts.

Now I'm wide awake… and wary of platters filled with chocolate.

* * *

_**6:46 AM**_

I can't think of anything to do today. I'll probably read my schoolbooks and get caught up in more of my classes.

… Oh sheesh. That even _looks _boring written out like that.

* * *

_**6:47 AM**_

I can't sleep for any longer now that I'm awake.

But my bed is so _warm._ I can't force myself to move out from my warm cocoon of covers.

* * *

_**6:53 AM**_

Oh… wonderful.

My robe and slippers aren't in sight. Romilda better not have stolen them again.

I don't understand _why_ that girl seems to think we're friends and that it's okay for her to take my things.

* * *

_**6:56 AM**_

Christ almighty! … I just raised my arm up and nearly died.

I am in dire need of a shower.

My pits are so sour they probably just melted off my eyebrows.

* * *

_**6:58 AM**_

Okay… I'll just throw off my covers and then make a mad dash for the bathroom. If I run fast enough, I'll barely even have time to feel the cold stone floor against my bare feet.

As a reward to myself for being so brave, I can take an extra-long, so-hot-it-makes-my-skin-red shower. Mmmmm…

* * *

_**7:01 AM**_

Brrr… just took my covers off.

And then put them back on. Bloody HELL.

Where'd the heat from the fireplace go? What happened to a little something called magic?

Oh sod it all… I can't do it… my covers are so _warm_…

… But my pits are _so smelly_.

Hmmm… what will win out? My need to feel and smell clean or my hatred of the drafty castle?

* * *

_**7:04 AM**_

I still can't decide.

…

Ugh! That's it. My pits are positively _killing_ me. I don't even know how this happened. It's as if they're rebelling against me or something.

It smells as if someone rubbed onions on them whilst I was sleeping.

* * *

_**7:05 AM**_

… Rotting onions.

* * *

_**7:06 AM**_

… Rotting onions that had been stuffed in a hobo's fat flap for about 50 years.

* * *

_**7:07 AM**_

The fat-flap onion visual has made up my mind for me. I'm going to shower. NOW.

* * *

_**7:40AM**_

Ah… sweet relief. I now smell fresh and clean and feel over-heated. I love taking long, scalding-hot showers on a cold day.

Time to venture to the library.

* * *

_**7:41 AM**_

…eh… I may want to change into clothing first. Heh heh.

* * *

_**7:52 AM**_

Wait. Why am I in the library this early on a Sunday?

And why haven't I even thought about breakfast?

My ranky stanky pits must've burnt off a bit of my brain also.

* * *

_**7:54 AM**_

Ha ha ha I love textbooks sometimes. Not in a Hermione way, though.

I meant that I love how hilarious the graphics and pictures are—especially when said graphics and such are actually meant to be serious.

There's one of a man with his underwear pulled over his head and his shirt stained with various foods.

This is supposed to be warning students against the horrible act of bullying, but really it just makes bullying look fun. The man with his underwear on his head doesn't even look sad. He looks like he's plotting a way to get even.

That… or he really needs to fart.

* * *

_**8:00 AM**_

Just read an article about something I don't and won't ever care about.

Thank you, DADA teacher (whose name is "Fitzgerald" or something like that), for making me waste my life.

Now it's time to write "how I feel about what I just read".

Why must teachers ask this question? I guess it's to make them feel nicer or more connected with their students… or something.

It only _seems_ as if they really care about what we think.

They say: "Tell me what you really think. I want some insight into your brain."

They MEAN: "Tell me what I want you to think about the article or you'll get a low mark".

I've had to learn this the hard way.

* * *

_**8:05 AM**_

Oh hey… there's that weird guy. He's from some hole-in-the-wall place that nobody's ever heard of and he can barely speak English. Everyone thinks he's so interesting because of this.

I just find him annoying, if I'm being completely honest.

* * *

_**8:07 AM**_

Oh sod it all… he's making his way over to my table.

* * *

_**8:18 AM**_

He walked up to me and said "Good night to you in the day with your waffle. BOOOOOOK!"

…and then he walked away.

I wonder if he really is trying to say something important, but just doesn't know how to.

* * *

_**8:20 AM**_

Well hello there, stomach. Yes it is quiet in the library. You only ever seem to make yourself known whenever it _is_ quiet.

* * *

_**8:30 AM**_

Mmmmm… the Great Hall smells Great. Ha ha… pun.

* * *

_**8:27 AM**_

Oh bloody hell. Those sausages look so delicious… but there are exactly 33 of them. I can't eat one or else there will be 32 of them… 23 backwards.

I can't eat two of them, though! People are looking and will officially have proof that I'm a fat arse.

* * *

_**8:35 AM**_

Blegh. I don't want anything but that sausage. It's like it's taunting me.

* * *

_**8:36 AM**_

It's saying: "Ha ha. You couldn't eat me if you wanted to."

Stupid sausage.

* * *

_**8:37 AM**_

"Ginny can't eat me! She's pathetic!"

…grrr…

Maybe I'll just eat some bacon instead.

* * *

_**8:38 AM**_

"Now she's given up. She's a quitter. She's weak."

…

* * *

_**8:39 AM**_

"She'll never eat me now! Na na na boo boo!"

That's it! I'll show that sausage! I'll eat its family and friends as it watches!

* * *

_**8:50 AM**_

Ugh… now I feel sick. Really sick. I just ate about 5 sausages…

I attacked them as I cackled like a madman.

… Now people are all giving me wary side glances.

* * *

_**9:01 AM**_

Oh no. I just saw that flash of red hair again. That's definitely JP. Bertha can't move that fast.

It's time to relocate to somewhere safer.

* * *

_**9:15 AM**_

What to dooo… what to dooo…

Maybe I should brush up on my pop culture.

But the library seems to be one of the only places that my cousins hang out.

Hmmm…

* * *

_**9:34 AM**_

I was desperate for something to do… and Luna seems to be MIA…

So I risked venturing into the library in order to check out the new issue of Witch Weekly.

Luckily, I didn't have any run-ins with my cousins or anyone else for that matter.

* * *

_**9:40 AM**_

"_The best way to get rid of unwanted acne is to use RAMUN'S ELIXER. It's been proven to work wonders!"_

Hmmm… maybe I should buy Romilda some in a way of making up for my insanity towards her.

* * *

_**9:41 AM**_

…5 galleons?

Never mind.

* * *

_**9:46 AM**_

According to this magazine, guys like for girls to be like glaciers towards them.

What the ruddy hell do the people at Witch Weekly EAT that makes them believe "being like glaciers" even makes the least bit of sense?

* * *

_**9:48 AM**_

Maybe… it's so the guy can warm her up by being all cuddly and whatnot?

That's got romance involved, I think…

* * *

_**9:54 AM**_

There's an article in here about "what positions males prefer".

Guys from all over apparently wrote letters to the magazine explaining their preferences.

Okay… 1. Why are males so eager to be in a girl's magazine… and 2. Positions for _what_ exactly?

There are times when I read this magazine and I honestly feel as if I'm missing out on some big inside joke.

* * *

_**10:02 AM**_

"_Henry prefers the missionary position because it allows for him to feel closer to his partner and for things to get heated up much quicker."_

I get it! …I think.

This is talking about which positions males like to use that best thaw out their cold girlfriends…

That's actually kind of sweet, if you think about it.

* * *

_**10:10 AM**_

Make-up charms!

I hate this section.

It just reminds me of how much females have to suffer through in order to look half-way presentable.

* * *

_**10:12 AM**_

There's a little animated illustration of a troll being hit with these charms and turning into a beautiful woman.

Wow. That makes me feel confident and accepted in society just as I am...

Ugh.

* * *

_**10:17 AM**_

Oh sod it all. "Madame Lealo's Love Prediction".

The magazine takes the user's name and birth date and gives her/him their own personal prediction on what will happen in his/her love life.

The past few times I've used it, it's told me the same thing.

"_It's not stars in your eyes, but a star's eyes on you. Want to know who has this fixation? Try looking for a constellation. But let it be known… though stars are known for being fiery and bright, it's __**your **__job to help him light up the nights."_

What the bloody hell does that even mean?

* * *

_**10:20 AM**_

I got it again. Maybe I keep getting faulty magazines… or maybe Madame Lealo is a fraud who hates me.

* * *

_**10:27 AM**_

The best thing about my room is that I can see the Quidditch pitch from my window.

Someone out there right now has exceptional flying skills.

Seriously.

All I can see is a decidedly masculine body, weaving through the air so smoothly, it looks as if he's a part of the wind itself.

I do hope it is a male after all… because his flying skills are getting me all hot and bothered.

* * *

_**10:34 AM**_

Yuck. Humphrey's covered in some unidentifiable goop. AND he's eaten a hole into one of my over-sized knickers.

Hmm… I think I need to take him to Hagrid and ask if he can loan me a rock cake or something of equal nastiness.

I believe Humphrey needs to be punished meal-wise.

* * *

_**10:40 AM**_

I think I smell porkchops. If I weren't so stuffed from breakfast still, I'd be excited at this revelation.

…unless it's not food that I smell.

* * *

_**10:43 AM**_

Oh bloody hell. What on earth is my cousin doing in my room?

I should've known he was here, really. He always smells of some sort of pork.

Which is ironic.

Because he's a chunker.

* * *

_**10:45 AM**_

And how'd he even get past the charmed staircase anyways?

He's not smart enough for that. At all.

* * *

_**11:00 AM**_

What on earth is wrong with the people in my family?

He wants to play "Hide and Seek". I haven't even thought about that game since I was about four years old.

Normally, I would push him out of the door, but there are two things stopping me from doing so.

The letter from Mum forcing me to be civil with my cousins

and

The fact that he's too heavy to push out of _anywhere_.

* * *

_**11:12 AM**_

After many lame attempts at "hiding" behind things (i.e. him crouching behind a bed with his giant rump sticking up in the air), I decided we should try playing a different game.

He was adamant that we play it though. He even stomped his foot.

I swear, he's got the mental stability of a three-year-old.

He now insists we play hide and seek with our eyes closed.

* * *

_**11:18 AM**_

I cheated because I didn't want to kill myself by falling out of the window or something. He'll never have to know this, though.

* * *

_**11:33 AM**_

He can't seem to find me and he keeps running into things. I stopped laughing after a while because it only seemed to be encouraging him to continue doing it.

He looks rather hilarious though. His face is all contorted with determination to find me.

That… or he really has to poo.

* * *

_**11:50 AM**_

After he groped my breast once, I brushed it off as an accident; however, after the third time, I kicked him out of my room.

What's the matter with him? He's my _cousin._

Ugh… I need another shower now.

Who knows where his chubby little hands have been?

* * *

_**12:12 AM**_

Brrr… it's gotten even draftier in the castle since was this morning.

* * *

_**12:14 AM**_

Ah… there are Dementors outside. The ministry must be looking for someone or just trying to meddle. They like to meddle.

I can't blame them though. Meddling is tons of fun.

* * *

_**12:16 AM**_

I wonder where Dementors originated from. I guess if I actually paid attention in Defense Against the Dark Arts, I would know…

…they're probably McGonagall's children. I imagine she looks like a Dementor in the early hours of the morning.

* * *

_**12:17 AM**_

… Ew.

* * *

_**12:20 AM**_

Time to go stuff my face. I need me some turkey after all of that… eh… studying.

* * *

_**12:47 AM**_

… is it possible to just evaporate due to embarrassment?

I bequeath all of my precious belongings to Humphrey, and request that my diary be cremated alongside me… or published. Same thing.

Anyhoo… I had been shoveling mashed potatoes into my mouth at an alarming rate when I heard someone clear their throat behind me.

When I turned to look at the person, I had locked eyes with Blaise Zabini, mashed potatoes and gravy dribbling down my chin.

He had then handed me a handkerchief and walked towards the Slytherin tabled with a smirk on his face.

He's going to tell Malfoy I'm a Fatty McFatterton... and now 'D' will never want to go to Hogsmeade with me!

* * *

_**12:50 AM**_

Hold the phone… (whatever that even _means_)

This is a GOOD thing. If he doesn't want to go to Hogsmeade with me, I'm in the clear! I'm golden! I'm …some other cliché saying that means something good!

* * *

_**2:34 PM**_

I was drawing another 'Polly Comic' in the library when Dastan Crowley decided to be a nosy tosser and look at it over my shoulder.

He was annoying me with his questions until he offered to make me the cartoonist for the school paper.

Have I mentioned how awesome Dastan Crowley is?

* * *

_**2:40 PM **_

Apparently I just need to make up a few more short comic strips of Polly and send them to him to pick and choose from.

Well then, time to make Polly go on another adventure.

* * *

_**2:45 PM**_

I have to make this something good. Something AMAZING.

Everyone reads the school paper (usually because the school paper is literally filled with gossip), and so everyone will see what I create. I especially have to be good because the last cartoonist was _awful, _and I need to redeem the comic section's reputation.

Nobody could ever understand what on Earth was going on in the old cartoons because the drawings were so terrible.

He got kicked off of the newspaper staff and then received about a month's worth of detention after a particular drawing of a talking fruit looked a little too risqué.

We all found it bloody hilarious though.

* * *

_**2:56 PM**_

I can't seem to think of anything at all to make Polly do.

So far, he's cleared Romilda Vane's complexion and made Blaise a mute by using a poisoned mashed potato cannon. It seems as if Polly only does things when I'm provoked by something.

Now… how to get provoked?

* * *

_**3:12 PM**_

I wish my life had background music, so whenever I'd do something epic, an intense song would play and make me seem cooler than I really am.

Something like… _bram bram bram_! For epicness…

I don't know…

Music isn't something that can be put to paper.

* * *

_**3:13 PM**_

I just read what I wrote, and now I feel really stupid.

"Music isn't something that can be put to paper."

What am I? An idiot?

* * *

_**3:14 PM**_

Don't answer that, Diary.

* * *

_**3:18 PM**_

I tried providing my own background music, but all it did was make the suits of armor go insane.

Note to self: They don't know how to handle replicating actual music. Must remedy this.

* * *

_**3:35 PM**_

I'm sleepy. It's naptime.

* * *

_**9:56 PM**_

Hey, Humphrey's back from wherever he was wreaking havoc.

He has a bracelet in his mouth. Oh well. It's his now. I'm not taking it away from him.

* * *

_**10:04 PM**_

Wait… how'd it get so late?

… bloody hell…

I slept for 6 hours?

That's what I get for barely sleeping at all the night before, I guess

* * *

_**Monday, September 6**_

_**11:12 AM**_

I tried making some Polly comics during Transfiguration, but McGonagall did NOT approve. She got all huffy and started tutting like a… tutter.

She then assigned me a 15,000 word essay on 'classroom etiquette'.

* * *

_**12:02 PM**_

In the library during lunch. I want to try and make a dent in this essay-from-hell.

I don't think I even _know _15,000 words, though.

* * *

_**12:16 PM**_

"_When in the classroom, it is very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very , very, very, very important to listen to your teacher, the person teaching you, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, very well."_

That's all that I've gotten so far. I think that if I continue at this rate, I should be finished quite soon.

* * *

_**12:26 PM**_

Luna seems to be wearing a dress made completely of straight-off-the-cow hide. She tried to explain to me the luck that cow hide can bring to a person, but I didn't listen. All I can do every time I see her is make horrible cow puns.

She brought this on herself, really.

* * *

_**12:27 PM**_

"Luna, you are the only person who ever _cud_ provide such _udder_ a_mooooo_sement for me."

I crack myself up.

* * *

_**12:36 PM**_

So I can't walk across a flat surface without finding some way to fall flat on my face. So it's even worse when I'm freaking out because some man in a painting happens to be stalking me.

In my effort to get away, I ended up tripping over the base of a statue and landing on the ground with my bum sticking up in the air.

Why do I always end up in this position when I trip? It's like my bum and the ceiling are star-crossed lovers, trying desperately to reunite.

* * *

_**12:38 PM**_

First years annoy me. Not only do they sound all squeaky and obnoxious, but they also seem to think they're small enough to get away with anything. When I'd stood back up and righted myself once more, the first years that had witnessed my… gracefulness… found it was okay to laugh like loons.

I then threatened to suffocate them with my knickers, which scared them off.

Well… that's good. At least my knickers have some sort of purpose _besides_ embarrassing me.

* * *

_**12:45 PM**_

There are cracks in the stone walls. What if they all connected and the entire school collapsed to the ground? What if someone was showering at the time that it happened?

What would they do? I would probably continue showering, to be honest. I can't stand to have soap in my eyes.

* * *

_**12:47 PM**_

Why _are_ there even cracks in the wall in the first place?

I mean, I get that this is a school that has that whole "ancient feel" to it, but you'd think that, with magic, the walls would be in better shape.

* * *

_**12:54 PM**_

Luna walked up to me. I said "you must be hungry". She just gave me a strange look and asked why. I shrugged and said "Because you have… eh… four stomachs."

Dang. I'm losing my touch.

* * *

_**1:03 PM**_

Luna was "complaining" about Snape. I say "complaining" because she isn't really a complainer. She's… Luna.

Anyhoo, I said: "It's just Snape; don't have a cow about it!"

Which, quite frankly, I thought was hilarious.

BUT she just _had_ to ruin it by saying

"Oh… but cows have calves."

… funsucker.

* * *

_**1:19 PM**_

I've decided that I hate the school uniforms. I don't like to wear skirts, no matter how long they are. My bum is something that I believe shouldn't be crammed into a skirt.

I look like I have a nervous twitch of some sort because I constantly am pulling my skirt down and making sure my …downstairs… isn't somehow showing.

I miss pants.

* * *

_**2:20 PM**_

Professor Fitzgerald was trying to be "cool" again. He was saying things like "yo" and "homies" a lot.

I've decide that I'm glad I'd forgotten to use that American slang I learned. It sounds very un-cool.

Especially when the person who says it is your teacher, who is hopping around in front of the class wearing suspenders.

* * *

_**5:15 PM**_

Filch was serenading his cat, whose name I don't care to remember (Mrs. Norris), in the hallway.

I don't know if I'm traumatized or amused by this.

* * *

_**5:20 PM**_

I want to randomly serenade someone.

I wonder what they'd do…

* * *

_**5:40 PM**_

Neville had a nervous spaz of some sort. I feel a bit guilty now…

* * *

_**5:41 PM**_

No I don't.

Hahahahaha

His face was _priceless!_

* * *

_**5:46 PM**_

Spontaneous things make me so happy. They have unexpected results.

"Spontaneous hugs" was a success _and_ made people feel loved.

"Spontaneous dancing" was good for a laugh (especially for the people who couldn't dance).

"Spontaneous coughing" was disruptive to people not in on it, but hilarious to people in on it.

"Spontaneous Spontaneity" was, I must admit, just me being lazy; people still had a lot of fun with it, though.

"Spontaneous spasms" was the most dangerous thing I've started so far. Walking down the hallway and suddenly slinging your arm out can cause pain to an unsuspecting passerby.

… but I always instigate some sort of spontaneous _something_ each year. They always catch like wild-fire around the school without me trying very hard at all.

I need to make this one a good one.

* * *

_**5:50 PM**_

Spontaneous trust falls!

It shall be a hit. (literally)

((I love puns.))

* * *

_**6:01 PM**_

Ouch. I yelled out "Trust Fall!" and fell backwards, but the third year didn't even try to catch me.

… ugh

* * *

_**6:10 PM**_

There. I only do it to older students who don't look like morons and it works.

It's even started catching on around school already. I wasn't lying earlier.

* * *

_**6:14 PM**_

Two girls aimed for the same guy.

Poor bloke…

He didn't know who to go for and they all ended up on the ground.

…it was bloody hilarious.

* * *

_**6:22 PM**_

Oh bloody _hell. _

I yelled out "Trust Fall!" and ended up in Zabini's arms. After I'd scrambled out of them, flushing horribly, Malfoy decided it was time to talk to me.

He said "Weasley."

I said "Earg."

* * *

_**6:24 PM**_

What the ruddy hell does "earg" even mean?

I think my brain shuts down when faced with utter masculine perfection—err… I mean…

I think I'm sleepy.

* * *

_**8:44 PM**_

The-Trio-Of-Dimwits scolded me for starting the "Trust Fall!" thing. Apparently, I've started something potentially dangerous and harmful. They obviously don't remember "spontaneous spasms".

And… Pffft… I never told anybody to do anything. People just get bored easily around here.

It IS school.

…and I can't help that I'm influential.

* * *

_**8:48 PM**_

Ha-HA!

Hermione went upstairs. The second she was out of sight, Harry yelled out "TRUST FALL!" and Ron caught him.

That's right, my little fledglings… thaaat's right…

* * *

_**8:55 PM**_

Humphrey cuddled up to next to me as I was homework-ing in bed.

Awww… there are times in which I really do love this chinchilla.

* * *

_**10:08 PM**_

"… _a good thing for a student, the one who is learning what is being taught by the teacher who is teaching the student, to remember is that the teacher is the ruler over all of his or her students. So, whether the student is a Billy, a Madge, a Joey, a Stan, an Edith, a Jimmy, a Carl, an Adam, an Alana, a Sarah, a Cristy, a Nick, a David, and Anna, a Timmy, a Paul, a Rachael, an Alyssa, a Paula, a Tristin, an Orion, a Daniel, a Phillip, a Gavin, a William, a Tanya, a Becca, a Dean, a Torrin, a Greg, an Eddy, a Drew, a Carlos, a Dean, a Shawn, a Georgina, a Blair, a Chuck, or a Bob, he or she needs to listen to his or her teacher and leave snide comments or urges to get distracted at the door to the classroom."_

There. 15,000 words exactly. That's a fitting conclusion to McGonagall's paper… and is just about all of the cheating/sucking up that I can handle for one night. My hand hurts so badly.

* * *

_**10:12 PM**_

It's sleep-time. BUT, not before I put my essay somewhere safe and out of reach.

McGonagall definitely wouldn't buy a "my chinchilla ate my homework" excuse…

* * *

_**10:20 PM**_

Oh bollocks… Humphrey pooped on someone else's bed.

That person is just going to have to deal with it.

As I always say to my Uncle Craig when he tries to get me to "pull his finger" every year: "I wouldn't touch that if the fate of chocolate depended on it." Because when I involve chocolate, people just _know_ I'm being serious.

* * *

_Yeah… that's an awkward place to end this chapter. Whatever._

_Please review! n_n [or Humphrey will poop on your bed.]_

__-Ketchupdtoytle-__


	9. Chapter 9

_This one's pretty dang long. . *resists urge to make corny "that's what she said" joke*_

_n_n_

* * *

_**Tuesday, September 7**_

_**8:12 PM**_

There's something gratifying about receiving a random letter at breakfast from your parents.

…hahaha no there isn't.

* * *

_**8:18 PM**_

Blegh. Mum and Dad are so… I don't know how to explain it…

"_Hugs and kisses to our Gin-Gin. Don't let this year stress you out too much, sweetie. Just keep our love for you in mind and that will get you through anything. We love you so much, Ginny! _

_And remember to be nice to your cousins._

_Love, your parents._

...I hate sappy, love-filled letters like that. ESPECIALLY when they're from my parents.

It would be embarrassing for anybody to ever find/read these letters. They must remain hidden.

* * *

_**12:10 PM**_

There's a new girl and she's in my house and year.

I shall go talk with her.

_Bram bram bram! _(I like to make random things seem epic)

* * *

_**43:69 AM**_

Her name is Ophelia O'Connell and she's Scottish…

I don't know if I can be her friend though. The Scotts and I aren't on good terms right now, especially after I blew up their most beloved pseudo-masque.

And Ophelia isn't really her name. It's just a cover. Her real name is confidential because she's a jive, rockin' homie who's on the lam.

* * *

_**12:30 PM**_

… Ophelia stole my diary and wrote that last entry.

Usually, if anyone were to even touch my diary, they'd be locked in a glass cage and continuously hexed with bat bogeys. She's sorta funny though, so I guess it's fine.

* * *

_**12:40 PM**_

There's a piece of gum on my leg.

How does gum get on one's leg?

It gets on my shoe sometimes because people haven't yet perfected the art of talking with gum in their mouths, but it's never gotten on my leg before.

That's weird.

* * *

_**12:50**_

I don't like that new girl's name. At all…

Ophelia sounds like an old woman who used to be a prostitute.

When I told her this, her response was: "Oh holy hot links, you've discovered my hidden shame! Go on, now… tell the world what you know! RUIN ME!"

I think I like this girl.

She's so strange. She'll fit right in with Luna and me.

* * *

_**1:20 PM**_

I told her I'm calling her "Jive".

I have no idea what it means, but it's the only word I remember from when she hi-jacked my diary.

She didn't question it at all.

From what I've noticed, she doesn't question anything, really.

I wish I was that easy-going.

* * *

_**1:22 PM**_

I'm going to try to be 'easy-going' and not question anything today. I'm not going to freak out about anything. I'm even going to try and be calmer than usual.

* * *

_**1:23 PM**_

Oh bugger. Someone just walked by smelling of humus.

Must… not… ask… why…

* * *

_**1:26 PM**_

I think my brain just about exploded. But I won't even ponder this situation any longer. I mean, it's not as if I care why someone smells like 'beans'. I barely even noticed it anyways.

* * *

_**1:32 PM**_

I mean, if I were to walk around school smelling of an oddly-named food, I wouldn't want random people asking me why I did so. Or noticing it at all.

* * *

_**1:33PM**_

But I would never walk around school smelling of beans in the first place.

* * *

_**1:35 PM**_

Oh bugger. I give up. I need to know why this person smells of beans!

But I also need to get to class…

Besides, I never even saw the humus-person. They had stayed in my peripheral line of sight.

Hmmm… Maybe I should just sniff everyone that I see until I find them.

Sounds like a foolproof plan! I am rather sneaky when I put my mind to it.

* * *

_**4:02 PM**_

Interesting. In one school day, Jive has managed to mouth off to Snape, get on McGonagall's bad side, and expose Trelawney's fraud.

I can tell that this is going to be a beautiful friendship.

* * *

_**4:15 PM**_

Just passed Malfoy and his goons in the halls. He attempted to harass us like usual, but got a bit distracted by the fact that I was sniffing his friends.

Darn. I guess I wasn't being very sneaky with my humus search, but he messes with my head. I don't know how he does it.

I'm usually stealthy like a ninja. Maybe it's because of some spell he's cast on me.

That would explain a lot.

* * *

_**4:18 PM**_

Jive called Malfoy "a hottie" after he was gone.

I told her "Hands off."

Why'd I say that? It's not like he's mine or anything.

Damn this spell.

I must go and see Madame Pomfrey as soon as possible. I refuse to be toyed with by Malfoy.

* * *

_**4:23 PM**_

Wow. Jive has been here for a day and she already has a boyfriend.

She's got long brown hair, bright green eyes, and that whole Scottish accent going for her, I guess.

…I mean, her boyfriend _is_ that weird foreign guy who couldn't speak English if his life depended on it…

I'm still insanely jealous.

* * *

_**4:28 PM**_

I really want to know how on Earth she asked him out, or if she even knows if they are going out.

I mean… he doesn't seem to be able to communicate very well.

* * *

_**4:33 PM**_

Apparently, she walked straight up to him and kissed him. She had seen him using germ-x or something and found his cleanliness insanely hot. She also finds his accent to be endearing.

Blah blah blah …

I wish I had the guts to do something like that.

* * *

_**4:36 PM**_

Hermione is trying to make me study by forcing me to make notes on cards. It's some Muggle studying method that she says "works wonders"…  
Apparently the cards are called 'flashcards'. They don't flash at all. Muggles are strange.

Anyways, what she doesn't know is that Luna and I made it into something actually fun instead of dead boring.

Hermione loves boring things. I believe there's something wrong with her over-used brain.

* * *

_**4:38 PM**_

_Flashcard #23 _(of course…):

_Side 1: __Blast-ended shrewt_

_Side 2: McGonagall's husband. When he gets fed up with her overbearing attitude, his bum explodes. Either that or McGonagall's cooking is truly something awful._

… I love studying.

* * *

_**4:40 PM**_

Hermione asked to help me study with the cards. After seeing 'em...

… She didn't approve.

She just tutted like a McGonagall and told me that, one of these days, I'm going to have to take something seriously… blah blah blah

Pffft. I wonder what sucked the fun out of her when she was a child. Maybe the same thing that made her hairstyle permanently resemble the wrong side of a sheep.

* * *

_**5:30 PM**_

Jive has disappeared with her foreign man and Luna is out hunting for some creature.

Maybe I can take this time to work on

* * *

_**5:32 PM**_

Hey! I found my old neon-green knee-socks. And some strappy high heels.

Hmmm… if I unbutton my shirt and take off my undershirt, I could pass as a high-end stripper.

Not sure if that's a good thing or not.

* * *

_**5:35 PM**_

Yes! My knee socks match my bra!

* * *

_**5:45 PM**_

Luna and Jive walked in as I was attempting to "strut my stuff" in front of the mirror.

How embarrassing. I don't know if I can look them in the eyes.

* * *

_**6:10 PM**_

They both joined in with skank attire of their own. Jive didn't have to change what she was wearing too much, though.

We then took pictures with Collin's camera like models or something.

I kinda wanted to know why they even had that, but I didn't ask.

* * *

_**6:19 PM**_

Once we were decently dressed again, we all stumbled down to dinner, laughing like loons. McGonagall tutted us and told us to be more mature. This made us laugh harder.

* * *

_**6:23 PM**_

We stumbled right into Malfoy and crew.

After many intense hours… or seconds… Malfoy smirked and allowed his gaze to linger on my breasts. I'd forgotten my undershirt! Everyone could see my neon green bra!

After hexing him with my patented Bat Bogeys and storming off, I felt a bit better.

But I'd lost my appetite.

The bra incident reminded me of how, this Saturday, I'm supposed to go to Hogsmeade with Malfoy or 'D' or whatever.

Can I just ignore it, or will he not allow me to do so? What if the spell forces me to go?

Ugh… I can't eat. I feel queasy.

* * *

_**6:35 PM**_

Oh! Chocolate cake!

* * *

_**6:45 PM**_

Ugh. I regret eating so much cake… especially when I wasn't even hungry to begin with.

I told Luna and Jive to roll me out of the Great Hall. They attempted to do so, but it was impossible to do without me being trampled.

Plus, it only made me feel queasier.

* * *

_**7**__**:01 PM**_

Humphrey farted out some pinkish cloud that made the flowers on What'sherface's bed bloom like crazy.

Then he ate them.

I'm beginning to think there's more to this Chinchilla than just randomness…

* * *

_**9:10 PM**_

Humphrey has taken to sleeping in my hair.

It's cute… until I try to move. Then I get swatted in the face with his tail.

* * *

_**9:43 PM**_

Oh sod it all… I was supposed to do an essay for Fitzgerald's class.

Maybe he'll be a "homie" and let me turn it in late?

* * *

_**Wednesday, September 8**_

_**7:19 AM**_

I opened my trunk this morning after a quick "Trust Fall!" with What'sherface and found it was filled with tiny, writhing garden snakes.

They then formed a large "L" with their nasty little bodies.

Our "Annual Prank Wars" have commenced.

* * *

_**7:21 AM**_

I don't even remember how, why, or even when these wars started. All I know is that we do them every year and I always win.

Actually, that was a lie. I've never won a single Annual Prank War. Luna's too crafty. And Ravenclaw-y.

* * *

_**8:26 AM**_

Luna attacked again with the butter on the table "buttering me up for the competition" (according to the note).

Ugh… she _knows_ how much I detest puns unless I'm the one saying them.

Game on, Lovegood. Game on.

* * *

_**8:34 AM**_

What to do, what to dooo…

I could hex her schoolbag to continuously break open, no matter what she tries to do to it, but that's an elementary-style prank.

Also, Luna is a Ravenclaw for a reason. I have to try extra-hard to be sneaky when I prank her.

Luckily for me/unluckily for her, I'm only a pseudo-Gryffindor. I've decided that I'm probably a Slytherin at heart.

* * *

_**9:02 AM**_

After I was finished sniffing Kevin Clements (nts: he smells like my lotion; keep an eye out for this guy), he asked me if I would ever consider allowing him to butter my muffin.

He must be training to be a butler.

That's so cute.

* * *

_**9:06 AM**_

I told him that maybe he should try buttering his own muffin… that maybe it'd be good to get practice in first, in case did something wrong with mine.

He looked appalled. So did his friends.

What? I'm protective over my food. They probably think I'm a fatty now. Oh well.

* * *

_**1:18 PM**_

I have a pimple. Right on my temple.

It's one of those painful ones, too.

Ouch, ouch, ouch… I hate being a teenager.

* * *

_**1:19 PM**_

How does Romilda Vane put up with this?

Her face is completely covered in pimples. I would curl up into a ball and wither away if faced with owning that face. I'm just not that strong, I guess.

* * *

_**1:22 PM**_

That was mean. I still don't feel guilty, though.

Romilda's vindictive and evil when given the chance to be.

* * *

_**2:12 PM**_

Well then. I have a chinchilla taking up most of my bed.

How is this even possible, you ask?

Well, it's possible when said chinchilla makes a giant nest out of random pieces of things I'd rather not identify that covers most of the bed.

I'm not going to touch it.

I'll just call a house elf later.

Right now, Humphrey can chill in his homemade bachelor pad. It's better than having to bring him to class today.

* * *

_**2:50 PM**_

There's some sort of mandatory assembly happening in The Great Hall at the moment. These things are always so boring. Last year, there was one that centered on 'Sexual Education'.

Everyone, including the teachers giving the lecture, seemed to be completely embarrassed throughout the entire thing.

The worst part was when they performed a skit that was supposed to show us the benefits of abstinence. It starred McGonagall and Professor Binns. Needless to say, the entire skit was awkward and left every single student (and staff member) completely mortified.

Let's hope this assembly is about chocolate or something.

* * *

_**3:00 PM**_

I'm so angry right now.

I just passed by some people charming mustaches onto statues.

…

I mean _seriously?_

…Why the bloody hell hadn't I thought of that?

Now I have to act as if they're doing something wrong and as if what they're doing isn't funny at all.

Because I didn't come up with it first.

* * *

_**3:10 PM**_

Uh…

_**3:11 PM**_

Mrs. Norris just gave me the 'peace sign'. I swear.

* * *

_**3:22 PM**_

Nobody believes me. I must find her and make her do it again.

* * *

_**3:45 PM**_

…

…

So. Yeah.

This staircase started moving whilst I was on it.

That's really not that rare of an occurrence. I assume it's because the staircases get bored _and_ aggravated. I mean, I would also if I constantly had teenagers stomping all over me.

However, this is the first time that I've gotten stuck on a staircase because it _stopped moving_.

It's literally "just chillin'" out in the open.

* * *

_**3:55 PM**_

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid staircase.

I've tried kicking it, punching it, and even biting it, but it hasn't budged a single inch.

I now regret biting it. I'm probably going to get some disgusting foot fungus inside of my mouth.

* * *

_**4:00 PM**_

Imagine that…

I wonder what that would be like.

… blegh. Gross mental image.

* * *

_**4:12 PM**_

Why did everyone in this bloody school suddenly decide to disappear today of all days?

Not a single person has passed by yet.

When I want to be alone, people won't stop bothering me. When I need help, though, it's an entirely different story.

This is madness!

* * *

_**4:31 PM**_

Oh bloody hell. Off in the distance, there's a person jumping up and down in a painting, trying to get my attention.

Why won't that creeper leave me alone? It really can't be _that_ boring being in a painting. Honestly.

* * *

_**4:44 PM**_

I've been here for an hour now. It's nice to know that my wonderful friends care about me enough to keep tabs on me.

That was sarcasm, by the way.

* * *

_**4:49 PM**_

I could be drowning in the lake and nobody would notice or care.

Well… maybe that squid would notice. He probably wouldn't appreciate me dying on his house.

That'd certainly ruin my day if I were a giant squid.

* * *

_**5:00 PM**_

So hungry. It feels as if my stomach is about to eat its way out of my body.

I can smell the food in the Great Hall and it's making this ten times worse for me.

* * *

_**5:05 PM**_

Oh bloody hell. What on earth is that sound? It sounds as if someone is running their nails over a chalkboard whilst torturing a poor, defenseless creature.

* * *

_**5:08 PM**_

Ah. It's just Bertha. She's humming or something.

Wait… BERTHA!

* * *

_**5:16 PM**_

She's noticed me and I can tell that the wheels in her brain are beginning to turn.

Her face is rather comical.

Her chins are wobbling and her mouth is slightly agape. I do hope she figures out what to do soon because I think I need to pee now.

* * *

_**5:30 PM**_

Ah, finally! She sprung into action and is now full-on running at my staircase.

I don't think I've ever seen her move that fast. She must really care about me.

* * *

_**5:35 PM**_

She hurled herself off of the edge of the floor, dove towards the staircase and then grasped onto the edge of it. I assumed that she was going to attempt to pull the staircase down and force it to move, but instead she somehow managed to hoist herself over the edge of it and then plop down onto the steps with a loud '_thunk'_.

Now we're both stuck here.

* * *

_**5:48 PM**_

She's lying on her back, trying to catch her breath, so I really can't ask her how on Earth she believes this is helping me in any way.

It may take her a while, too. She really overexerted herself being a complete moron.

I swear… I'm completely surrounded by numskulls.

Now I'm back to square one or whatever it's called, except now I really have to pee, I'm really hungry, and my bum is starting to get sore from sitting on these uncomfortable steps.

* * *

_**6:05 PM**_

Seriously? Nobody's walked by yet?

This is insane.

It's almost as if someone's ...

...playing a prank on me…

* * *

_**6:07 PM**_

Oh sod it all. Why did it take me this long to realize that the brains behind this are in a head completely covered in giant blond curls.

I am going to strangle Luna Lovegood with my bare hands.

* * *

_**6:08 PM**_

Actually… why would someone strangle someone else with their bare hands? That doesn't make any sense. Don't Muggle cops go searching for fingerprints when someone has been murdered?

* * *

_**6:12 PM**_

I wonder how long she's going to make me suffer up here.

Especially while Bertha's having some sort of inappropriate gas attack.

Oh look at her; she's trying to act as if it were somebody else.

Why am I the only Weasley with common sense?

* * *

_**6:20 PM**_

Something feels off here. And it's really, _really _cold.

I'd give anything to be sitting in front of the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room right now.

* * *

_**6:30 PM**_

The candles have all gone out and the only light is from the setting sun that's shining through a window.

This is beginning to get creepy.

* * *

_**6:43 PM**_

Luna has really outdone herself here. If she keeps this up, I may have to admit defeat.

I even think the glass on the window is starting to ice over.

Elaborate.

* * *

_**6:48 PM**_

Bertha finally managed to catch her breath.

Now she's humming again.

I almost miss the pitiful gasping noises.

* * *

_**6:59 PM**_

I got desperate and tried suggesting to Bertha that we cuddle in order to warm ourselves up.

She assured me that she was perfectly content temperature-wise. She then went on to say that, if I packed on a few pounds, I wouldn't have this 'unseemly temperature problem'.

Selfish. That's what she is. And spiteful.

* * *

_**7:22 PM**_

Status update:

I still have no idea what Bertha is even doing here.

My bladder is about to burst.

My stomach has probably eaten my small intestine by now.

Bertha smells like bacon.

My bum is numb from prolonged exposure to hard stairs.

The rest of my body is going numb from prolonged exposure to an inexplicably freezing castle.

Not a single person has walked by and noticed the floating staircase. (Yes. It's floating.)

The guy in the painting mooned me about 5 minutes ago.

I'm so thirsty, my mouth has cemented shut.

My ears are probably bleeding thanks to Bertha's butchering of every song I've ever heard.

Aaaand I have now thought up about 50 different ways to torture Luna Lovegood.

* * *

_**7:43 PM**_

There are some "Dementors" roaming the castle.

Nice touch, Luna. They almost seem real.

* * *

_**7:52 PM**_

Bertha just fainted. Thank God for that. I believe I would hear The Hallelujah Chorus in my head if Bertha hadn't just destroyed my perception of that song.

* * *

_**8:01 PM**_

Wow. These Dementors are so realistic. It's crazy.

I feel pretty depressed right now—as if there's no reason to live.

Touché, Lovegood.

* * *

_**8:08 PM**_

They're heading right towards the staircase. Is this the end of the prank? I hope so. I'm about to pee _on_ the fake Dementor.

* * *

_**8:17 PM**_

They look real and feel real, but they're so obviously fakes.

It's just common sense.

* * *

_**8:32 PM**_

Hmmm… clever, Luna. They're searching the staircase as if they're looking for an escaped convict or something.

She really did her research.

After we're done with this prank war and I've slapped her across the face multiple times, I'm going to have to make her teach me how to do this.

It'd be so awesome to use this against Harry.

Because he cries like a baby whenever they're around.

* * *

_**8:36 PM**_

They moved towards me as if to try and suck the bad memories out of me, but acted all confused and turned away.

Fail, Luna. The illusion has slipped.

* * *

_**8:44 PM**_

Still…Wow. This is so well-thought-out. A poor old man in tattered Ministry of Magic robes just crawled out from underneath the staircase, screaming bloody murder as the "Dementors" seemingly sucked his soul right out of him.

Wait, is this supposed to scare me? If so, this is rather pitiful.

Everyone knows the Dementor's kiss wouldn't be administered in front of innocent civilian wizards. Also, why would dementors be going after a MoM Official?

That's just stupid, Luna.

* * *

_**8**__**:46 PM**_

Bertha woke up and saw what was going on.

She's unconscious again.

Wimp.

* * *

_**8:50 PM**_

I do hope this "Dementor" hurries up. I really do need to pee. Now.

* * *

_**9:03 PM**_

The "man" looks really lost and expressionless. His eyes are dark and have an empty look to them.

The "Dementors" look pretty content though.

Well, as content as a Dementor could ever look.

* * *

_**9:17 PM**_

Oh, thank the Lord! They're all gone and the staircase finally moved.

The castle seems brighter and homier than before. Despite that one slip-up, Luna really outdid herself.

Bertha's still unconscious on the staircase. I think I'll leave her there. That's what she gets for lacking musical talent and almost letting me freeze.

* * *

_**9:22 PM**_

McGonagall, Snape, and various other teachers appeared just as I was preparing to get off of the staircase.

They seem shocked to see me here.

Well, where were _they_ a few hours ago?

* * *

_**9:34 PM**_

I'm now sitting in Dumbledore's old office, waiting to talk to Snape about something.

... wait. Waaait. I've been so preoccupied with myself that I haven't even given this a second thought- Didn't Snape kill Dumbledore last year?

Why is he headmaster?

Wait. What exactly is going on at this school?

* * *

_**9:35 PM**_

I'm too tired, hungry, and uncomfortable to care at the moment to care. I'll ponder this more later.

My stomach is growling loudly and my bladder has now expanded to the size of the Eiffel Tower.

Snape better make this quick. I'm about to go wee in that pretty little Pensieve.

* * *

_**9:36 PM**_

Oh! Candy!

* * *

_**9:43 PM**_

I hope he won't notice that most of his candy is gone.

It's sooo delicious though. I can't stop eating it.

* * *

_**9:50 PM**_

He finally decided to enter his office whilst I was shoving the 10th piece of candy into my over-stuffed mouth.

He asked me how I was feeling after my ordeal (but it seemed forced, as if he didn't _actually_ care). My answer was a very eloquent "mrrrmph."

* * *

_**10:10 PM**_

He told me there had been an escaped convict on the loose. He really stressed that. As if he were trying to convince me of it.

But I know Ministry of Magic Robes when I see 'em. If this is Luna's way of trying to make me forget one of the errors in her prank, she's got another thing coming. I like to complain about things. She's not going to take that away from me this time.

Anyways, because of this "escaped convict", the staircases stopped working (one of the many safety features in the castle). The students had been kept in the Great Hall, and the Dementors had been allowed access into the castle in order to capture him and administer The Kiss.

He was apparently very shocked (even though his facial expression remained as stony as ever) that I'd even been there and asked me why I'd even left The Great Hall in the first place.

I told him that I'd been trying to get Mrs. Norris to give me "the peace sign".

. . .

Now he's looking at me as if I'm off my rocker.

Whatever.

Luna has taken this too far. Getting Sour-grape Snape in on the prank? That's just insane.

* * *

_**10:20 PM**_

Sti-i-ill waiting in Dumbledore's old office (I refuse to refer to is as "Snape's")...

My professors are all chatting-it-up with each other in another part of the office.

No, it's fine guys. Let my bladder explode; I never liked it much anyways.

Oh, take your time. It's not as if you can hear my loudly grumbling stomach or anything. You _are _old folk.

Pshhh, don't mind me. I'll just be over here massaging my bum. It's just for fun though. It's not as if I've been sitting in uncomfortable places for the last five hours or anything.

... I think the extreme discomfort has kicked my sarcasm mode into high gear.

* * *

_**10:28 PM**_

They're asking me to tell them exactly what I saw, and promising to provide any needed therapy sessions for me, and that they'll even give me any needed days off from school.

Quite frankly, they're just taking this too far.

And the pressure down below is getting to be unbearable.

* * *

_**10:30 PM**_

Can't focus… too many people talking… headache forming… bladder about to burst… stomach eating large intestine now… buns burning (and not in the good way)… back aching… eyes drooping…

* * *

_**10:45 PM**_

Without even a backwards glance, I had jumped up and raced out of the office.

I don't even bloody care how rude it was. I'm so much more comfortable at the moment. My bladder is still mad at me, it seems, but at least it's empty.

Thank God.

* * *

_**11:12 PM**_

Ahhh… Sweet relief.

Now that I've bathed and eaten, I feel ten times better.

Now I can concentrate on getting back at Luna.

* * *

_**11:30 PM**_

Oh … Humphrey just bit off a piece of some girl's hair.

I guess I could do one of three things.

1. I could wake her up and inform her of the horror that's befallen on her admittedly pretty hair

2. I could try and magically reattach it

Or

3. I could just pretend to not have noticed it at all.

DING DING DING. We have a winner. And it's 3.

My laziness knows no bounds.

* * *

_**11:44 PM**_

La ti daaa and toodle lee doo…

I can't sleep. At all.

I'm going to "pull an all-nighter", as I've heard of some students doing around exam time.

While Luna's off blissfully unaware in dreamland, I'll be plotting a kick-arse way to get back at her. It's the perfect plan.

Besides, who needs sleep? I'll be just fine without it.

* * *

[THIS STORY IS GETTING INSANE]


End file.
